Caring for the Sandwich Generation
Photo by Mae Mu on Unsplash
“The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be toward others.”
~ Eda LeShan
I’ve been thinking a lot about caregiving, and especially caregivers, since I’ve been editing my sister Joan’s soon-to-be-published book on the topic. According to a 2020 report compiled by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and AARP, one in five Americans are involved in caring for an older adult, typically a parent or relative.
Many of them are in what has become known as the sandwich generation, caring for both their parents and their kids at the same time. For years, baby boomers represented the largest portion of that group, but with many of them becoming seniors as well, in recent years the task has shifted to Generation X and Generation Y (millennials). Men are increasingly involved in caregiving now, too.
As they age, our parents begin to need help with handling their affairs, with some day-to-day tasks, and with emotional support. It usually starts out small and manageable, until there is a health event which necessitates much more involvement.
No matter which generation is offering the care, so many responsibilities and challenges come with this unique role in this busy time of life.
And most of us have no training for it—we just learn as we go.
As the only daughter in town, I was the primary caregiver for both my parents until they passed. My kids were still at home when I was caring for my dad, and I definitely felt the pressure of being in-between, perpetually pressed for time. I felt torn when my kids had important events but my dad needed me. I was fortunate to have very supportive siblings, understanding friends, and a helpful husband, which made all the difference.
My mom lived to be 98, and by the time those last few years rolled around, I was also having grandchildren. Yet another layer on the sandwich. With parents and older relatives living longer, this is becoming more typical.
My mom passed away six years ago this week. I’ll always miss my parents, but I’ll have to admit that this is a much freer time of life for me. With both of our kids living out of town, the majority of our grandparenting is done from afar. I feel for my younger friends and relatives who are still heavily involved in caring for both their parents and kids, especially those who don’t have siblings or spouses to help.
One of the aspects of caregiving that makes it so challenging is the emotional toll that comes with it.
On the one hand, most of us are happy to help our folks—to give back to those who have cared for us. On the other hand, the work can be exhausting, and long-lasting, with little relief.
When people are aging or sick, they are often not at their best. That’s to be expected. The older the parent is, the more likely they are to need our support. But the stress of being stretched too thin can bring out the worst in caregivers as well. Add in a steep learning curve on so many issues, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed.
Caregiving books on the market generally address the medical, legal, financial, and logistical issues of eldercare, but very few address the toll it can take on the relationship between the adult child and their aging parent—the top side of the sandwich, if you will. Joan’s book helps people navigate that relationship. Her loving and peaceful approach helps aging parents and relatives to be more cooperative, which reduces the stress for both parties.
The last chapter in the book, and perhaps the most important one, is called “Take Care of Yourself, Too.” So often when we get overwhelmed, we don’t know what to do, or even what options are available to us. My sister encourages her readers to actively seek out and, more importantly, to ask for help.
Caregivers deserve to have and enjoy their own lives as well.
Although it might not be easy, once they learn to share the burden, it can provide a tremendous sense of relief. The help can come from other family members, including the parent’s siblings or even nieces or nephews. Or, if the funds are available, it may be time to bring in some aides, nurses, or geriatric care managers (professionals who oversee many aspects of patient care).
Many caregivers are not aware of the numerous sources of information and support available for those who are looking after family members. Local, state, and national organizations lift up caregivers by providing articles and blogs that offer suggestions for stress relief. Online seminars, chat room discussions, and support groups can make caregivers feel less alone.
People who are sandwiched between their children and aging parents have a shared set of experiences and can often find great comfort in each other.
Here are a few sites to look into:
The organizations can also connect people who care for their family members with therapists who specialize in the unique challenges of that role.
Another source of relief that’s not well publicized is respite care. If you find yourself getting burned out and needing a complete break, you can take your aging loved one to a local senior facility where they can receive care for a few days to a few weeks so you can recover yourself. You may be surprised to see them making new friends and participating in all the fun activities offered. Joan points out that it may feel like a vacation to them as well!
If you’re currently a family caregiver, know that help is out there, in many forms. Please seek it out. Caring for aging adults can give one a sense of purpose, but it is also a selfless task, and you deserve breaks from it so you can manage your own life and relationships. And spend some quality time with your kids.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.
Affectionately,
Elaine