“Whatever it takes, I have to find a way to be still so I can hear what I’m saying.”
~ Brene Brown

I admire decisive people. Don’t you?

Whether it’s about choosing a new job or deciding to end a relationship, when making important decisions, some seem to have the ability to shut out all the distractions and quickly go to the heart of the matter.  

For the rest of us, it’s often hard to determine the right course of action because of the competing voices in our heads. We engage in endless debates with ourselves, prolonging the decision making. It’s exhausting, not only to us, but also to those around us who may be privy to our angst. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?

One reason is that we simply don’t want to mess up. The fear of it paralyzes us. Our perfectionism comes into play as we imagine all the “what ifs.”

When decision making is difficult, and we feel torn between two important choices, it’s not necessarily that we don’t know what to do.

Instead, it’s the ramifications of the decision that hold us back.

When we’re unaware of all the external forces working on us, we can convince ourselves that we’re undecided. Or indecisive. And we honestly believe it. 

But if we dig deeper, we find that that’s rarely the case. Somewhere deep inside us, the way forward is perfectly clear.

It’s much more likely that what’s stymieing us is the thought of having to tell people what we’ve decided, and risk upsetting them. This conflict between what we want and what we believe we should do for others keeps us from making a choice.

Our waffling actually serves a purpose emotionally; it allows us to put off the decision in order to avoid experiencing uncomfortable feelings. Concern for others is a positive trait, but when our people-pleasing tendencies are too strong and our boundaries are too weak, as we have discussed in prior posts here and here, they combine to keep us stuck in indecision. That’s when we know it’s time to try something else.

When it comes to your heart’s desire, the best thing you can do for yourself is to go inward.

Find someplace quiet, get comfortable, and take a few deep breaths. Then ask yourself: if you had your way—if there were no other factors than what you, yourself, wanted to do—what would your decision be?

There’s a technique used in therapy called “the two-chair technique,” which allows clients to access their internal conversation when they’re conflicted. The therapist asks them to move back and forth between two chairs as they have a conversation with themselves. You can use this technique yourself to get closer to your true feelings about the choice you are faced with. Envision moving from one metaphorical chair to another as you ask and answer the following:

“If money or time were no object…what would my decision be?”

“If I didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s expectations…what would my decision be?”

“If I were brave enough…what would my decision be?”

To counteract the competing voices, you first need to try to get centered. Once you become more clear about what you want to do, then you can take some time to address the limiting thoughts that are holding you back. Make a list of all the extraneous forces weighing on your decision, and evaluate them one by one.

Are you afraid to admit (even to yourself) that you want something?

Are you afraid of letting someone down or disappointing them?

Are you afraid to confess something?

Weigh your wishes and preferences against your imagined concerns. Take some time to find the mental clarity you need using the three tips outlined in this article. You may well decide to do something that is in someone else’s best interest, rather than your own. But you want to be intentional about it so you don’t feel resentful about it later.

Rather than putting off a decision which ultimately has to be made one way or the other, resolve to do the emotional work it takes to develop the courage to have the necessary (if uncomfortable) conversations.

The relief you will feel after doing so will be palpable. Let that feeling wash over you and serve as a reminder for the next time you are faced with a similar situation.

Once you realize your indecision has been a result of conflicted emotions rather than mental confusion about what you want, the angst will dissipate. You will then be able to proceed confidently and take the steps you need to take to support your decision.

Rest assured that people can and do adjust to disappointing news related to our decisions, even if they have to do some work of their own to reach acceptance about them.

As with so many of the healthy behaviors we’ve talked about here on this blog, it takes practice to become an effective decision-maker. As we grow in authenticity, we will be in better shape to make choices that will serve us well going forward.

As the song goes, once you “can see clearly now/the rain has gone/it will be a bright, bright sunshinin’ day!”

Affectionately,

Elaine