“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.”
~ Brene Brown

As the pandemic wears on, what are you doing in your household that you’ve never tried before? Or haven’t done for a long time?

Have you made sourdough bread yet? You’ve probably seen this new AT&T ad about everyone making it. It cracks me up every time I see it. 

I guess people are trying it now because sourdough is even more time-intensive than yeast bread, and if there’s one thing most of us have right now, it’s time at home. By the way, sourdough has quite a fascinating history, if you’re interested.

Aside from baking, I hear about people sewing, doing crafts, doing home repair projects, planting gardens. And giving haircuts. Especially haircuts.

The satisfaction of learning to do something yourself, even if it’s not perfect, can be quite invigorating. And the focus it takes to concentrate on performing a task, especially when we’re first trying it, can make the time pass much more quickly.

We were a DIY family long before the term was coined. Growing up, we were allowed to try nearly anything as long as we cleaned up afterwards. My parents were ambitious, engaged with their own pursuits most of the time. Neither was overly invested in what we were doing, although they were willing to help out when asked.

No matter our age, we were always encouraged to be industrious, to “do something useful” rather than just play, and to bring money into the household as soon as we could. We cut grass, babysat, sold homemade cookies door-to-door. (During our last family Zoom session, we talked about the odd jobs we’d had as kids, and it was fascinating. With the span of our ages, there’s much we don’t know about our respective childhoods, so we’ve been trying to fill in the gaps.)

A self-sufficient bunch, we only turned to outside services when absolutely necessary. My sisters and I gave haircuts to family members, and I continued with that when I had my own kids, so I’ve got that one down.

Necessity was definitely the mother of invention. Most of the large families that surrounded us functioned in much the same way. All of this was so normal for us that we never gave it much thought.

It’s been interesting to me to see a return to those times now due to Covid. For many people trying to avoid exposure, this is the first time in their lives they’ve had to learn so many new skills. I’ve enjoyed the YouTube clips that point to some less-than-stellar results! 

I’m grateful for all the proficiencies I acquired when I was young, and realize that the emphasis on trying, rather than doing everything perfectly, was what gave us the confidence to take on each new task. We occasionally shorted out light switches and burned cookies, but were encouraged to “try it again.” It gave us a kind of courage that has served us well as adults whenever we’ve been faced with learning new skills.

During this pandemic, the younger moms I know have been incredibly stressed out about not doing everything well. I feel for them. I can only imagine how hard it is to try to work and be at stay-at-home mom at the same time, with or without dad in the house.

Conscientious to a fault, several of them got to a near-breaking point a few months ago before realizing they could not keep up the level of perfection they were used to in both roles. I could hear the level of exhaustion in their voices when we spoke. I kept wishing I could give them big, in-person, hugs. I had a feeling that something had to give, and it did. Gradually, they started to give themselves a break here and there, lessening their standards in order to keep themselves and their kids sane.

This week, though, I can hear the anxiety building again as they begin to talk about their kids returning to school, in whatever form that takes. The challenges are immense. These are strange times. If ever there were a time to loosen the reigns a bit, it’s in this moment. Is it possible that being average, or middle-of-the-pack, is not the worst thing? Perhaps sometimes “good enough” is good enough. 

Hopefully my young friends’ kids will remember this time as a “pause” where they were allowed to try lots of new things without having to worry about producing flawless results. As this article in Psychology Today explains, the good enough parent is actually the best kind of parent.

I suspect some of this wisdom comes from age. I know as grandparents, we cherish the first-ever thank you notes—complete with stick figures and squiggly letters—from our pre-school grandsons. We know that competency improves over time with practice.

Whether you have kids at home or not, I hope that whatever you are engaged in right now, you can give yourself permission to do it in a “less than perfect” manner. Even if you’re making sourdough. :)

Be especially kind to yourself during this high-stress time. All that’s necessary is that we survive the crisis, however we get ourselves and our families through it. Here are some more suggestions that might help you to cultivate more self-compassion.

Although some days it’s hard to see it, better times are ahead. I’m perfectly sure of it!

Affectionately,

Elaine