“It’s not hard to make decisions, once you know what your values are.”
~ Roy E. Disney

Much as I like to share information that might be helpful to others, I don’t often reveal my opinions about current events except to a few, close friends. Most national and world situations are very complex, and I can often see both sides of an issue.

Which side we come down on any particular topic has to do with our underlying values and beliefs. Google’s Dictionary defines values as: “a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.”

Initially we learn what’s important from our families of origin and early caretakers, and we internalize those sentiments as children. Some parents explicitly state their values: “In our family, we do this or don’t do that…” Many parents don’t verbalize their deeply held beliefs, but as kids, we pick up on them anyway.

For example, yours might have highly prized:

Privacy
Humor
Academics
Service
Financial success
Entertainment
High intensity activities
Having fun
Relationships

One way to understand ourselves better is to analyze where our own values came from.

Try making a list of a few areas you feel have particular relevance for your life, and go back in time to remember a value that was expressed about each one. Whose voice can you hear speaking to you? Was it a parent, teacher, religious leader, or another important person in your life?

Next, begin to examine and evaluate the beliefs you were taught. Do you still agree with those views? (Maybe you loved your dad’s humor and enjoyed his teasing as a child, but as an adult wish you could have more authentic conversation with him.)

Finally, look at your list and decide what you truly value for yourself. The idea is to make more conscious decisions about what’s important for you, both to live by and to pass on.

Our values affect us at every stage of our lives, and they morph over time based on our lived experiences.

As young people, once we’re out on our own, it’s largely up to us how we choose to behave. We may rebel against our family’s values, at least for a while. Doing so allows us to test our new beliefs to see how they work for us, and to explore other ways of living.

As we begin to have more serious relationships, we may find ourselves having deeper discussions and envisioning a shared life with someone else. Very quickly we begin to see where we are aligned with each other, and where we differ. (Pre-marital counseling is designed in part to help couples navigate these trouble spots.) When the differences are too great, or partners are too inflexible, their relationship is not likely to be successful.

Much of the squabbling in relationships has to do with underlying values that we may not be aware of or may not be adequately communicating.

Once we find someone with whom we are closely aligned, we can coast a bit, enjoying our common interests and activities. But values come into play again as soon as there is talk of children. When we begin to think about what we want for our kids, ideally we start to look at which beliefs we want to shed and which we want to keep. And perhaps some newer philosophies we’ve adopted and want to pass on.

Unfortunately, most couples don’t do enough of this work early on, and it can become a new source of conflict between them once they become parents. The decisions about which behaviors we tolerate in our kids are often small, but as we know, they can lead to intense bickering, with each partner feeling unsupported.

What couples don’t realize is that their intensity likely comes from an underlying value which may be unspoken.

For example, consider this question: Is it okay for kids to run outside barefoot?

This is a perfect example of where there is no objective “right” answer. (I can hear some of you begging to differ!) I think there’s an argument to be made on both sides.

If your family valued sensory experiences, nature, and freedom for children, you were probably allowed to do so.

If they valued decorum, structure, and safety, you were probably not. 

Couples who want to avoid squabbles over surface issues may want to take some time to explore their individual beliefs and come up with a working list of family values to use as a basis for their decision making. This is the best way to present the “united front” we read so much about in parenting books.

Considering how influential it can be in our lives, the topic of values is not one that comes up often enough in everyday conversation.  

Whether you’re a young adult, in a new relationship, or a parent of any age, taking some time to do a deep dive on your values can help you more easily determine how you want to live.

Taking the next step—communicating with a partner about how you see your relationship working, or communicating with a spouse about what you want for your children—can ease tension and promote harmony in your relationships.

Affectionately,

Elaine