No solution can ever be found by running in three different directions.
~ Deepak Chopra

As most parents of adult children know, time alone with our grown kids is precious during the years when they’re focused on building their careers and raising children of their own. On our recent trip to Los Angeles, I was fortunate to have a thoughtful conversation with my son while on a walk with him in the “paseo” (greenway) behind his home.

One of the things we talked about is how discussions between family members and friends are more complicated these days with people holding such widely different worldviews.

Remember when we used to enjoy simply hanging out and catching each other up on our personal lives?

Maybe that skill is diminishing because we spend so much time online, where conversation is much less intimate and, too often, much more contentious. I have not read it yet, but I’m hoping David Brooks’ new book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Seen Deeply can help us.

Despite our best intentions, friendly discussions in person can so easily spiral in a negative direction as soon as someone brings up a polarizing issue. It’s made holidays and other gatherings more trying.

When we prioritize voicing our opinions over safeguarding our relationships, our warm feelings for each other can quickly dissipate.

It’s easy to complain about the state of the world. These years since Covid started have been incredibly stressful, and in many ways, we’re all worse for the wear. Sometimes it feels like the problems and conflicts are endless and unsolvable and they weigh heavily on us. Effective solutions can be hard to come up with, and often require a deeper awareness of the underlying issues than most of us have.

Although my preference is for deeper, more personal conversation, I understand the need for people to talk about the external issues that concern them. To a certain extent, venting relieves our frustrations. When we talk with someone who agrees with us, it makes us feel heard and validated. It’s just that so many discussions seem to stop short of any kind of problem solving. (Funny—I can hear my dad from so many years ago saying, “Well, we can’t solve all the problems of the world tonight, so let’s all just go to bed.”)

My son mentioned having an “Aha!” moment recently after learning a parenting tip for dealing with kids when they are having trouble regulating their emotions. When they’re upset, kids primarily focus on what’s wrong or what’s not fair, and they often get stuck in “the story” of who’s to blame. It’s our job as adults to shift their focus to what they need, which involves first identifying what the actual problem is. From there the next step is to help them generate possible solutions and then determine the most promising one to try. It’s a great skill to teach kids.

Wouldn’t it be nice if more adults were able to shift their thinking from what’s wrong or what’s not fair about the world to generating possible solutions?

What if each of us were able to commit to choosing just one thing—anything—to try to fix in the new year?

This week I came across a story about a woman who was nominated as one of the Top 10 CNN Heroes for 2023. Mama Shu, as she is known, says she decided to turn “pain into power” after she lost her toddler in a tragic accident. Despite her grief, she had a vision to turn a dilapidated neighborhood in Detroit with vacant structures and abandoned lots into a sustainable community. She said her vision came to her fully formed and surprisingly detailed. Over the last 15 years, she has accomplished much of it, an incredible feat. She has touched the lives of thousands in the process.

Mama Shu’s story may be one of the most inspiring ones I’ve heard this year. She epitomizes the idea that “choosing one thing” such as rehabbing a neighborhood can transform both communities and the people who reside in them.

Years ago, after I quit my job to become a freelancer, I decided to start my days off on a positive note by going for a long walk in our neighborhood. Disturbed by the amount of trash I saw along the sidewalks, I started bringing a plastic grocery bag with me. I picked up the trash (which gave me additional exercise) and when I got home, I recycled what I could before discarding the remainder. I felt good about my contribution, and it lessened my frustration about the confusing behavior of others.

In our scattered lives where our attention is constantly diverted from one activity or device to another, most psychologists agree that our capacity to focus has diminished, to our detriment.

We’re losing the ability to keep our attention on a singular activity. Using the concept of “choosing one thing” can help focus us in an intentional way, to amazing results if we put forth sustained effort toward solving an issue. If we involve others, like Mama Shu did, we can make even greater progress, and perhaps even act as a model for future generations.

The next time you’re venting to a friend or relative about a problem, pause for a moment to ask yourself if you can see a possible solution for it, no matter how small. Then decide if it’s something you care enough about to initiate some action towards it.

As we close out the year, many of us are thinking about charting a new course for 2024.

Along with any personal resolutions you may make, consider choosing one thing to help your community, and making a plan to implement it.

Let’s start a conversation to see what kind of positive difference each of us can make in our world. As a side benefit, perhaps we can also rediscover the fun of hanging out together as we work toward a common goal.

Happy New Year!

Affectionately,

Elaine