“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
~ Thomas A. Edison

In my last post, I told you about editing my sister’s book on caregiving. I’ve also been editing a book my oldest brother is writing on the mission and philosophy of his line of private schools. His schools heavily emphasize character development in addition to academic achievement. It occurred to me while reading his manuscript that most of the character traits listed in the book came straight out of our parents’ playbook.

My parents both grew up in the same town in the mountains of Pennsylvania. Both were from large, Catholic families which were different in temperament, but shared a deep faith and common values. In our sibling Zoom chats of late we’ve been talking about how the personal traits from both sides, handed down to us through our parents, turned out to be a pretty good formula for success. Our parents wanted us to dream big, work hard, and be grateful for the gifts we’d been given.

Granted, we would have liked to have had more play time in our lives when we were little. In large families where money is tight (as it is in most large families), hard work is a given. Our lives were heavy on chores and light on entertainment. Families aren’t perfect, and their ways aren’t always easy for us, but they can still do what psychologists call “good enough parenting” that can start their kids off on a good direction.

Our folks had high expectations for us, but they also let us know they believed in us. Rather than being overly involved in our projects, the message they gave us was: “You can figure this out.” Eventually we began to internalize that message, and believe in ourselves, which gave us the motivation to dream big.

Sometimes we were too ambitious, and bit off more than we could chew. No matter how daunting the project was, my mom expected us to complete what we started. Her frequent refrain was: “Be a finisher.”  

Dad emphasized the importance of determination. Hanging in there when the going gets tough is the trait that allows one to be a finisher. His line was: “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” (Which always cracked me up, because his name was William.)

Although we were rarely given the option to walk away once we’d started something, we were given the opportunity to ask for help at any time. Busy as my folks were, they made themselves available to us when they could to help us think through our next steps when we got stuck.

It became ingrained in us to keep at it, to try a different way, or even to start over if necessary.

This paragraph from my brother’s upcoming book explains their philosophy well: “Doing good work is of no use unless we bring our work to an effective conclusion. Many people begin with good intentions, but personal integrity requires delivering on a promise. To do that a person has to get to the finish line without petering out. Finishing well and living up to your word are habits that are built upon more basic habits like diligence and persistence.” 

I appreciate that powerful message that we learned so early in life. As Einstein implied in his quote above, many people give up just before they are about to have the big discovery that would get them to the finish line. It’s understandable—after the initial excitement of envisioning a creation, it can be so frustrating not to be able to see it come to fruition.

To resolve this, it’s important to realize that you can only learn something if you can admit that you don’t know it. Only at that point are you receptive to being taught.

When I worked at a small software company in human resources, team leaders would often ask for help for employees who procrastinated, a behavior that frustrated everyone. Often, in private conversations, when I encouraged an employee to tell me what was really holding them back, they would admit that there was program or tool they didn’t know how to use, and so they couldn’t proceed. At that point, I’d pair them up with a more seasoned employee for additional training, and the problem was solved.

The thing that so often holds all of us back and keeps up from finishing projects is that, like those employees, we don’t know the next step. We go as far as we can on our own and then we get stuck.

This semester my book club is reading Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart. In it she defines and explains 87 human emotions with a goal of helping us to have a shared language surrounding feelings in order to better understand and communicate them. She points out that many of us think we know what the various terms mean, but we’re actually getting a lot of them wrong. For example, humility is not downplaying yourself or your accomplishments—that’s modesty.

Humility is “Openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.”

More specifically, intellectual humility is the ability to adjust our beliefs when faced with new information.

It can be awkward to admit we don’t know something, especially if we were chastised for it when were young as many are. No one likes to feel inadequate. It’s far easier to set the current project aside and “get busy” with something else.

Humility is the trait that can help us to get unstuck—to discern what we need to know and who to ask. That kind of awareness is actually an indication of intelligence!

The next time you’re stuck and at risk of not finishing something, rather than shy away from seeking assistance out of embarrassment, try showing your smarts by asking for help.

It’s the surest route to finishing a project. You may be reluctant to impose, but the funny thing is that most people really like giving advice and sharing what they know.

It’s a win-win!

Affectionately,

Elaine