“Find every opportunity to practice the virtues of integrity, trustworthiness, honesty and compassion.”
~ Mutya Yosores

Last week we talked about the challenge of working through our trust issues. This week, we’ll examine the ways that we behave with others and the degree to which we are trustworthy.

Just as we want others to be honest and reliable, it’s important to act in a way that engenders others’ faith in us.

Many of us just need to look to our pets for examples of faithfulness. The devotion we get from our canine companions, in particular, is the purest we’ll ever encounter. They are always there for us, minus the drama that comes with many of our human interactions. Consistent in their affection, they have no agenda, they are not transactional, they do not consider themselves above us. They are just happy to be with us.

Have you seen this sweet story about a dog who waited outside a London hospital for his companion for six days? We could learn some lessons from our loyal and steadfast friends in the animal world.  

Some years ago a friend shared with me some of the team-building exercises she had participated in at her work. One of them was based on the 1997 book The Four Agreements, which became a breakout hit, remaining on the New York Times bestseller list for a decade. The book offered some time-tested suggestions for interacting with others in ways that enhance trust, based on ancient Toltec wisdom. The first agreement, or tenet, is: “Be impeccable with your word.”

When I mentioned the book to another friend this week, she pointed out that the word “impeccable” is intimidating. I see her point. None of us are what the word implies—perfect, flawless, or exemplary—at all times. But we can use the concept as an ideal, something to work towards.

We can try to be more aware of the impact of our words and actions and their ripple effect on others.

When it comes to personal growth, we don’t often talk about working to “become more trustworthy,” perhaps because it involves a combination of so many different qualities and attributes. But maybe the idea is worth some consideration.

After studying the topic, I compiled the following list of suggestions for how to become more worthy of trust:

Be honest.
Keep your word. Be straight with people. Provide good information. Don’t exaggerate.

Be transparent.
Don’t withhold bad news. Present both sides of an issue. Disclose potential conflicts of interest.

Be reliable.
Do what you say you’re going to do. Show up. Be on time.

Be predictable.
Keep your commitments. Be consistent. Communicate clearly.

Be accountable.
Play by the rules. Don’t make excuses. Have the courage to apologize.

Act with integrity.
Don’t repeat rumors. Don’t gossip. Safeguard the secrets of others.

~~~

Being seen as trustworthy is the result of behaving ethically and consistently over a long period of time.

How often do you think about your reputation? Although it’s probably not on your radar on a daily basis, when asked, most of us would say we want to be seen as having a good character. We want to believe we are always worthy of the confidence of others, but are we truly?

Being “impeccable with your word” doesn’t mean just telling the truth, but being authentic in all situations.

It means communicating honestly even when it requires having difficult conversations. It also means communicating directly rather than complaining to a third party (an unfortunate communication style psychologists call “triangulation.”)

Closely related is the issue of gossiping, an area where we could probably all do better. Maybe you don’t initiate it, but do you participate in it? It’s easy to get drawn in, and once in, even if we’re uncomfortable, it can be challenging to stand up to group think. If you’re not assertive enough to say, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to participate in this discussion,” could you perhaps interject with something that shows compassion for the victim?

“I imagine there’s more to the story than what we know.”
“I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.”
“I think what he does is up to him.”

This one small step could change the trajectory of the conversation by reminding people to show empathy rather than stand in judgment. This is where the ripple effect of our actions comes in. It also assures people that we will not be engaging in mean-spirited conversation about them, and in doing so, further elevates our reputation.

Wherever we go, we have the opportunity to set the tone and positively influence others.

We can do this by resolving to pay closer attention to our daily interactions, and making a conscious decision to try do the right thing just a little more often, especially when it’s challenging.

Sometimes growth involves making huge changes, and sometimes it involves fine-tuning what we’re already doing.

Affectionately,

Elaine