“Do try to help others along the way when you can, but know it’s not for you to fix them…that is their own journey.”
~ Karen Kostyla

Have you ever had the experience where a well-meaning person helped you too much, or gave you the wrong kind of help?

These situations can be very uncomfortable, and lead to conflicting feelings.

Even if the person is actually making things harder for us, we feel compelled to show appreciation. The implication is that they know what’s best for us. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, some people are low on social awareness and they lack the sensitivity to pick up on our cues. Here are some examples:

-Several years ago, a woman in my writers group asked for feedback on some essays she’d written. We agreed to meet at Panera to discuss them, and she offered to treat me. It was late morning, so I ordered a muffin and a cup of tea. She said she had wanted to treat me to a proper lunch but I assured her I was fine. After we had our discussion, she again insisted that I should order lunch, but I wasn’t hungry. The following week I was sick and she dropped off some homemade soup for me, which was very kind. But she still insisted she wanted to treat me to lunch when I was better. Much as she wanted to do something nice for me, it felt like she was also being driven by her own emotional needs such as guilt, insecurity, or maybe just loneliness.

-Years ago a friend’s husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said a stroller; the one they had was heavy and awkward. He told her that wasn’t an appropriate birthday gift. Instead, he got her an expensive necklace. Maybe he wanted to buy something for her and not the baby, and imagined any woman would be happy with a beautiful necklace. But her truth was that she wasn’t into jewelry, and would have much preferred something that would make her daily life easier. And she had told him that beforehand! You can imagine how she felt as she opened that jewelry box and then had to feign the excited reaction he was hoping for.

-Birthdays are occasions that are especially fraught with unwarranted kindness. An introverted friend longed to spend her birthday with just her husband and children, but every year her mother insisted she throw her a party with extended family. The mother loved parties and probably assumed everyone else did too. To her, parties were the only proper way to celebrate. The friend began to dread her birthday, not wanting to disappoint her mother.

This brand of heavy-handed kindness is misguided at best, and is likely self-serving on some level.

Most of us can sense when others have an ulterior motive, even if they can’t see it themselves. Behavior of this sort is common in narcissists, but we can all be guilty of it at times. Helping others makes us feel good, as we’ve discussed before. It’s much easier on our egos to be the helper rather than the helpee.

When we feel the urge to assist others, it’s important to pause for a moment to examine our motives.

In a previous post I discussed several other issues related to “helping,” namely what happens when we choose to help others when they are perfectly capable of handling tasks themselves.

Once we decide our motives are pure, in situations where it’s clear others genuinely need our help, the appropriate question to ask is, “Is there anything I can do for you?” or “What do you need?” These open-ended questions allow the person to decide what would reduce their current stress level the most. They may respond with “I can’t think of anything,” in which case it’s perfectly fine to let them know the offer is a standing one, with, “Well, if anything, comes to you, let me know. I’m here.”

(I will offer one caveat to the open-ended questions, though. In certain circumstances it’s okay to suggest something specific, for example when someone is sick, depressed, or if they’ve just had a new baby. They can be so fatigued or overwhelmed that they can’t even think about what they need. In those cases—but only in those cases—it’s okay to say, “I’m dropping off a casserole that can be frozen for when you need it” or “I’m stopping by for a half hour” and then to pitch in if you see anything that needs to be done, such as laundry or dishes. Most people will be appreciative under these circumstances, but even then, if you sense any discomfort, stop!)

When we have a sincere desire to help, others feel it.

It does not involve any form of control. It is not connected to any particular outcome. It comes from truly wanting the best for the other person, whatever that may be.

Friends and family members know what’s best for them. Our job is to listen to them and follow their lead.

Affectionately,

Elaine