“Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.”

~Deborah Day

“There you go!”

That’s what my two-year-old grandson says to himself these days when he’s able to make his Duplo train pieces connect.

He gets it from his mom, who says it to him frequently whenever he’s doing something correctly. She studied some psychology (like her mom!) when she was in college, and worked with children on the autism spectrum. She’s skilled at using interventions to encourage or distinguish a particular behavior.

Our little guy has just learned to talk, and we think it’s adorable that he says those particular words to reward himself, copying her inflection exactly. (Last month it was “Ta Da!”) She says he’s getting good at patting himself on the back. We laugh about it, but also agree that it’s good self-talk, in contrast to the poor inner dialogue many of us have.

How do you talk to yourself?

Do you feel as if you have an unwanted companion following you around all day, belittling you?

Many people do. Especially perfectionists.

Years ago, when a therapist told me I had a very harsh conscience, I was surprised. I thought everyone talked to themselves that way.

For some of us, our inner dialogue is so disparaging, it could be termed abusive. And yet we put up with it, believing we have no choice.

Negative self-talk often originates with someone in our lives who has spoken to us that way.

Over time, we internalize the sentiments, and begin to talk to ourselves in a similar fashion.

The good news is that it is simply a habit, and habits can be changed. Even longstanding ones.

Most of us know we could do better when it comes to self-talk, but how do we make positive changes?

When I first came across the book Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism Into a Creative Asset, by Hal and Sidra Stone, I was immediately drawn to the title. The idea of embracing my inner critic, rather than trying to shun it, was curious to me. The approach ran counter to the only method I knew for banishing negative self-talk, which was to very firmly shout at the voice to “Go away!”

By contrast, the Stones’ suggestion is to invite our inner voice to speak to us. They maintain that it has something important to tell us, and that by sending it packing, we’re losing useful information.

Like dealing with an insistent toddler, who only gets louder when his or her needs aren’t attended to, the only way to get our inner voice is to relax is to make it feel heard.

Strange as it may sound, the authors recommend stopping and asking it:

“What is it?”

“What do you need?”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

On its face, the whole idea of talking to ourselves is a funny one, and yet how many conversations and arguments have you had with yourself? (We all have an internal observer that is aware of the different voices we have which represent distinct aspects of our psyches. Psychologists use the term “metacognition” to describe this ability to think about our thoughts.)

According to the authors, the intended function of our critical inner voice, which is like an internalized parent figure, is actually positive. Its goal is to ensure we act in a way which allows us to make friends, keep our jobs, and generally act in accordance with prescribed norms. In other words, it keeps us in line.

Unfortunately for some of us, our internalized parent develops in an extreme way, and it becomes larger than life, like the genie in the Disney movie version of Aladdin. Except instead of granting us wishes, it badgers us with rebukes, reminders, and admonitions, making us feel guilty and ashamed.

This sounds like a voice we should banish! But, in fact, if all that metaphorical tugging at our sleeve is an effort to protect us in some way, the opposite is actually true.

When you take a moment to carefully consider the information your inner voice is providing and then decide what you need to do with it, you honor that voice.

When it feels heard and validated, it knows its job is done, at least for the moment, and it disappears.

After reading Embracing Your Inner Critic many years ago, I set an intention to change how I speak to myself. It took a concentrated effort, but now most of my self-talk is supportive. I try to talk to myself as a good friend would.

My self-esteem has gradually improved over the course of my lifetime, and revising my self-talk has been no small part of that. As a side benefit, it’s wonderful to be free from that nagging voice.

If you want to evolve how you talk to yourself, start listening.

Pay close attention to when, where, and how often you are hard on yourself. Evaluate your critical inner messages to see if you can determine whose voice is speaking.

If you suspect the voice is trying to convey something significant, rather than trying to suppress it, invite your inner critic to explain how it’s trying to help you.

Does it want you to be well prepared for a presentation so you don’t embarrass yourself? Does it want you to model controlling your temper better so your kids learn how to handle their own anger?

Try to be open to the insights you receive so that you can make any necessary adjustments in your habits or behaviors.

But first, there are three steps you need to take:

1. Thank the voice for the valuable protection it has offered. (It never hurts to befriend a companion, after all.)

2. Reassure it that it’s done its job—that you’ve got it from here.

3. Give it permission to go take a nap. :)

Once you develop the practice of embracing your inner critic, you’ll be surprised at how well this technique works. And at the relief you’ll feel when you start to treat yourself more kindly.

There you go!

Affectionately,

Elaine