“For me, so far, confidence has been a journey, not a destination.”
~ Jessica Williams

On two separate occasions last month I found myself telling young friends they’re just going to love their 40s, because it’s often the decade where women start to shed their obsession with what others think.

It represents the beginning of their journey toward trusting themselves, and toward being more authentic.

The whole indecisive, self-critical thing that so many young women do takes an enormous amount of emotional energy. It makes me sad for them, and for my younger self, to have spent so much time in that state.

The great joy of being in my 60s is that I’ve been able to shed so much unnecessary angst. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give that gift to my younger friends.

I look back and wonder if there was any purpose to my own insecurity? And if it had to be. Is it a necessary stage of development?

Not that guys can’t be lacking in confidence too, but studies show that self-esteem issues are much more prominent in women.

I’ve noticed that females tend to be self-defeating in two ways. First, we find it challenging to fully own who we are. For many of us, appearing to be self-centered is so abhorrent, that in order to avoid it, we tend to shrink from our talents.

Second, we allow our perfectionistic inner-critic voice get to us. To influence the way we view ourselves to our detriment. We forget to look at all the good we do, and all the things we do right.

According to Brené Brown, in addition to being who we are, we should be able to say who we are, if we want to be truly authentic. Rather than puff up or shrink, we should stand “our sacred ground,” as she calls it. To own our talents, and to clearly express our desires, preferences, and opinions.

I’ve seen this phenomenon of “shrinking” repeated across multiple generations, which makes me wonder, as psychologists often do, about the effect of nature vs. nurture. What is different about the biological makeup or socialization of young women that they wind up so much more concerned with what others think than young men?

Have you ever heard a guy say, “I’m a hot mess!” Or even, “I’m a work in progress?” Nope. But I hear it from my young female friends quite often.

The most you’ll hear, when guys are being really honest, is, “I screwed up.” Which points to them having learned to frame their mistakes as behaviors, rather than as internal traits. This view allows them to focus on improving their skills in the future without feeling that they themselves are flawed. 

When it comes to decision making, whereas young guys typically state their opinions and preferences straight up, when asked what they think, young women often waffle, look to them, and ask, “What do you think?” Then they get on the phone and ask four of their friends what they think.

Women are wired much more for connection than men are. Their higher levels of estrogen and progesterone cause them to be emotionally warm, nurturing, and relationship oriented. Guys, with their higher levels of testosterone, are wired more for physical strength, achievement (much of it individual), and competition.

You hear a lot of talk (especially lately!) about how life was better in the old days, but I prefer to focus on the ways the world is getting better. We can’t change our biology, but we can use new information to adapt how we train our young. Having had my first child when I was 19, I’ve been studying parenting for a long time. In recent years I see parenting changing to reflect a more balanced understanding of both biology and psychology, including an openness to however kids identify.

Although there are real biological differences between the sexes, as outlined in this fascinating article from Stanford Medicine, we know now that they’re much less pronounced than what was previously thought. Many of the perceived differences were simply roles that were prescribed based on the understanding at the time, but we’re seeing that there was a downside to the strict application of those views. Armed with new information, new parents are less likely to overprotect and over-monitor girls. Instead they are encouraging them to try anything they’re interested in. “Girl Power!” has been popular for a while now.

Boys, on the other hand, are no longer being taught to hide their feelings to the extent they were. To a much greater degree they are allowed to be sad, to be unsure, to be anxious. Michael Phelps has made it a mission to encourage guys in particular to talk to someone about how they feel. Times truly are changing, and in recognition (finally!) of the harm done when kids are taught to suppress their emotions, both sexes are being given tools to help cope with negative emotions as well as tools to help them become more resilient.

I have 19 nieces and nephews, and to my delight, I see them parent in ways that support gender equality. It makes my heart sing to see their little ones being encouraged in their interests, whatever they are. My great nieces are excelling at sports, technology, and video production, and my great nephews are learning to cook, sew, and knit. They’re all being taught to express their opinions and feelings in appropriate ways, and are being celebrated for their unique gifts. I feel sure they will grow up more confident as a result.

What are you good at?

What talents or accomplishments are you most proud of?

How well do you own them?

If the unfortunate messages you heard about gender differences growing up inhibited your self-esteem, it is never too late to do the work to grow in your self-confidence. We are models for the next generations, and they are watching and listening to us.

Affectionately,

Elaine