“Stay strong. Stand up. Have a voice.”
~ Shawn Johnson

Are you a Lady Gaga fan?

I’ve been a huge admirer for a while now. She’s a chameleon, constantly recrafting her image as she has matured. My interest in her was piqued when she sang “The Hills are Alive” as part of a Sound of Music medley tribute to Julie Andrews at the 2015 Academy Awards show. Apparently, she spent months preparing, and she received rave reviews. That same year I saw her perform some of her duets with Tony Bennett on TV. Their performances brought back good memories of my dad playing the old standards on our piano when I was growing up.

Gaga, whose real name is Stephanie, has talked openly about her struggles with mental health over the years, and of the personal work she’s done in therapy, with the support of her family and friends. She considered herself a misfit as a child, and was a victim of both bullying and assault. Deciding to use her life experience to become an advocate for others, she founded a nonprofit organization, the Born This Way Foundation, which focuses on empowering youth, improving mental health, and preventing bullying.

Now in her mid-30s, it seems like she’s really coming into her own. In 2015 she gave an inspiring talk at Yale University’s Center for Emotional Intelligence. She described how she pulled back from many of her commitments a few years before when she realized it was her right to decide what to do and who to be.

In her answer to a student’s question about her journey, she admits to having lost her way at one point and needing to reset her life. She was spread too thin, doing projects and selling products she didn’t believe in or esteem. She had to muster the courage to have a series of difficult conversations with her handlers in order to shed many of the responsibilities she’d taken on. We all know how hard saying “No” is for a people pleaser. What courage that must have taken, and yet, as she says, afterward she could look herself in the mirror and recognize herself again.

I remembered Gaga’s talk this week as I started reading a book called Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. One of my brothers thought I’d enjoy it, and he was right. I’m devouring it. It’s an older publication, but many of the concepts are new to me. It’s a deep dive that explains how to decipher the underlying structure of conversations, interpret the significance of what’s said, raise tough issues without triggering defensiveness, manage strong emotions on both sides, and stay balanced no matter how the other person responds. No small feat!

Many of us choose to avoid having difficult conversations, deciding instead to bury our feelings. Most of the time it just seems easier not to rock the boat. But by doing so, we undervalue our own feelings and interests, and then have to deal with lingering resentments. According to the authors, when we’re more concerned about others’ feelings than our own, we teach others to ignore our feelings:

“When important feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-esteem wondering why you don’t stick up for yourself. You deprive your colleagues, friends, and family members of the opportunity to learn and change in response to your feelings. And, perhaps most damagingly, you hurt the relationship. By keeping your feelings out of the relationship, you are keeping an important part of yourself out of the relationship.”

In Gaga’s case, she realized that by continuing to participate in the monstrous money-making machine based on her persona, she was not being true to herself. She was becoming increasingly unhappy and unhealthy, spiraling down until she hit a point where she knew she had to say something.

Some people think that celebrities have it easy. But if we think we have pressure in our lives to do things we don’t want to do, or to be someone we don’t want to be—in other words, to be inauthentic—imagine the pressure on someone like Lady Gaga.

I’m impressed with how thoughtful and introspective she appears in the video. She’s just a person, albeit of great talent, fortune, and fame, who is trying to come to terms with who she is. Like her, many of us could benefit from standing up a little better for who we are and what we believe.

Being able to initiate difficult conversations is part of being a mature, emotionally healthy adult. So far what I’ve gleaned from the book is that it’s possible to do so and have a successful outcome if we know what our goals are. It’s also important to learn how to communicate effectively without blaming. In almost every interaction, we have some part in our conflicts with others, even if it’s just that we have not been honest about our feelings in the past.

It takes courage to stand up for ourselves, but doing so can actually improve, rather than damage, our relationships by clearing the air and resetting expectations. And afterwards we will surely feel much better about the person we see in the mirror.

In the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’m adding Difficult Conversations to my list of books I reread annually so I can further develop the skills to speak up when I need to.

Thanks for the book recommendation, bro!

Affectionately,

Elaine