“As delicate as a flower, as tender as rose petals, choosing to be tender and kind in a harsh environment is not weakness, it's courage.”
~ Luffina Lourduraj

There are so many niceties we desire ourselves in relationships, and yet we often fail, or at least forget, to offer them to others.

One of them is the not-so-easy task of pausing and considering how others might be feeling or where they might be coming from before we react harshly to one of their frustrating behaviors. The more irritating the behavior is, and the more it affects us personally, the more intense our responses are.

For the most part, when it comes to how we act, we understand our own motivations and we often give ourselves a break. But when it comes to others, too often, as a knee-jerk reaction, we assign them ill intent. We both judge and blame them, telling ourselves they just don’t care about our feelings.

While we want the freedom to grow and change at will, we often expect others to behave differently because we want them to!

As our frustration grows, we become more directive, which only makes things worse. Our requests turn into nagging, even threatening, and eventually we begin to pull back, distancing ourselves from those we love.

Does this sound familiar?

As the saying goes, “How’s that working for ya?”

The authors of a book I’m reading this week, called Motivational Interviewing in Health Care, suggest that there’s another way. One which supports change in others, rather than imposing our will.

But how?

The answer is through the use of a technique called Motivational Interviewing (MI), originally used by healthcare providers who were dealing with behaviors such as problem drinking. Because over time the method has been shown to be so effective, its use has expanded. Today MI is widely applied by counselors and anyone in the position of wanting to encourage behavior alterations in others. This University of Michigan paper provides a great summary, but here’s the gist of it:

Much as we go to medical professionals for help, when they ask us to make lifestyle alterations to improve our conditions, we can get prickly. None of us like to be told what to do, even if it’s for our own good. It seems to bring out our inner teenager. :) The MI technique was developed to address this “rebellion” phenomenon. The key elements of it, which help to soften the defenses of patients, are: 1) emphasizing collaboration, 2) helping someone identify their own reasons for change, and 3) keeping the responsibility for change with them.

As with many techniques used by therapists, this more peaceful and fruitful communication method of effecting change can be used by anyone.

(For example, when we see our spouse habitually doing something that’s unhealthy, and we want to encourage them to do better.)

The creators of the method found that oftentimes patients did actually want to take positive action, but they were getting in their own way. They began gently digging deeper to help the patient figure out what their ambivalence was about. Using a kind and collaborative style, they attempted to get to the bottom of it using questions regarding their motivation: what it was like for them to be stuck, and what was really holding them back. They found that as they examined the deeper issues together, and helped the patients resolve their ambivalence, they were able to make progress guiding them towards their goals.

In one of my initial posts on The Authentic Lane, I talked about how curiosity is the new relationship tool. The MI technique bears this out. When we’re able to pull back from our anger and frustration and instead become curious about the behaviors of others, it takes the pressure off them. They are more likely to see us as a source of support—as someone on the same team.

Let’s face it. Every one of us does something that drives our spouses, partners, and friends crazy. But when we look at how we describe our own motivations, we’re often more likely to give ourselves a break. We defend our actions to our friends (and our therapists), by proclaiming, “I’m trying!”

Consider how we see others’ motivations versus how we see our own situations (#1 statements versus #2 statements below).

(1) “He just doesn’t want to.”                 
(2) “Part of me wants to, but I’m conflicted.”

(1) “She doesn’t learn.”                           
(2) “I’m working on it, but I’m just not there yet.”

(1) “He’s never going to change.”         
(2) “I know what to do, but I don’t seem to be able to make myself do it.”

(1) “She’s impossible!”                            
(2) “I get frustrated with myself, but I’m doing the best I can.”

(1) “He just won’t do it!”                        
(2) “I really struggle with that.”

Therapists are trained to gently lead us to the true reasons we are stuck, which can be varied, and are often a surprise to us. Not the least of which is fear that a change in us might lead to some unwanted consequence in others.  

Because most of us haven’t been trained in these communication techniques, they may feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.

But it’s never too late to try something new.

Rather than giving in to our scripted, reflexive reactions, we can learn to stop and call upon our empathy to see what kind of support our partner needs. I love the metaphor mentioned in the article: The goal is to be “dancing with” our partner in their efforts rather than “wrestling with” them.

Therapists use a term called “holding hope” for us as we are making healthy adjustments, which speaks to their belief that we will eventually get there. We can offer this to our loved ones by being patient with them as they learn to align their actions with their true intentions.

In the meantime, we can give them the benefit of the doubt, understanding that they’re trying. 

Affectionately,

Elaine