“There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings.”
~ Anthon St. Maarten

Last week we talked about how being listened to can help an upset person—especially an angry one—to return to a calmer state. This week we’ll look at a related issue: how to help someone who is troubled. 

While most of my posts will offer suggestions for what to do, this will be one of the rare ones that addresses what not to do, only because it’s so easy to say the wrong thing to our loved ones when they are “on the struggle bus,” as my daughter says. 

Many personal growth blogs advocate positive thinking as a solution for dealing with life’s challenges. In my very first post I explained that my blog was going to offer something different.

On its face, positivity sounds good, right? Or at least harmless. Positive quotes and affirmations are meant to motivate and inspire us. And on an average day, they can help some, which is why I share them on my Facebook page.

If you’re into personal growth, you might be trying hard to develop a glass-half-full attitude—to see the good in everything. I know I am.

But in the last few years I’ve seen a trend that concerns me, where well-meaning folks don’t let friends express anything that’s considered negative without immediately trying to change their attitude to a positive one. 

I see a downside to this “happy thoughts only” level of cheeriness.

When we’re feeling sad or disappointed, being encouraged to “look on the bright side” or “be grateful for what we have” may not be that helpful, at least not right away. 

In fact, it may make us feel worse. 

There’s actually a term for this phenomenon: “toxic positivity.”

We’ve talked about the importance of validation from someone who is willing to listen to us and, more importantly, let us explore how we feel when we’re upset. 

We need to know that our friends understand us, and that they’re there for us. 

It feels good to hear that someone is praying for us or, as my friend Diane says, “holding a good thought for us.” 

Even the old fashioned saying “This, too, shall pass” acknowledges that there is a “this” and that it will get better in time. 

Thoughtful people need to process their feelings about troubling experiences before they can move on. 

Later in the cycle of our recovery, once we’ve had time to work through our feelings, actively choosing to set them aside at times can be an effective tool. When there’s nothing else to be done, distracting ourselves from our pain can keep us from driving ourselves crazy.

We’re not necessarily aware of it, but when a friend is suffering, the desire for an instant fix for them often has to do more with our own discomfort rather than with their needs. Compassionate people don’t like to see others suffer. We may honestly believe we’re helping when we try to cheer friends up, but to them it might feel dismissive. 

The last thing we want to do when our friends are distressed is to encourage them to stuff their feelings, which is essentially what we’re asking them to do when we overuse the “positivity tool.”

By only allowing them to be positive, we’re implying that they’re looking at something the wrong way, or that, even if they’re experiencing a genuinely painful event, they should set their natural reactions aside and just decide to get over it. 

There’s a better way. 

It requires some patience and an understanding of how emotions work to allow others to have their authentic feelings and not try to rush them to improve their dispositions (for us).

It can be difficult to restrain ourselves from trying to fix others’ moods, especially if it’s a longstanding habit. But if, instead, we work on just lending them a supportive ear, validating their pain and expressing confidence that they’ll be able to work things out in time, they will be encouraged to take the action they need to resolve their situation. 

And soon enough their good cheer will be restored. 

I’m positive!

Affectionately,

Elaine