“Friendship without self-interest is one of the rare and beautiful things of life.”
~ James F. Byrnes

In January, it will be eight years since my mom passed at the age of 98. She had the most incredible caregivers during her last years — loving, kind, and selfless. The women my mom described as her “best friends” still keep in touch with me and my siblings. Just today I got a Christmas card from a very special one who always signs her cards “Agape love.”

For some reason, I have trouble holding that particular phrase in my mind, so I always have to look it up. The Greek word agape is a New Testament concept which means “a joyful resolve to put the welfare of others above our own,” according to this site which addresses biblical questions. Agape love involves faithfulness and commitment — the type described in First Corinthians (“Love is patient, love is kind…”), a verse familiar to many of us as an oft-used wedding ceremony reading.

Agape love “is the most divine form of love that we can offer — a gift of the heart freely given,” says writer Emily Lopez in this beautiful blog post about love and grief.

When we think about the people we love the most, we often think about our family members, yet the love of friends is also central to our well-being.

Our relationships with our friends feed our soul in ways that are different from those with our family members. With new friends, we start off with a clean slate, meeting them where we are, at whatever life stage we’re in. Because we tend to choose friends with similar interests, they are often kindred spirits.  

I’ve been fortunate to have many deep friendships in my life. Each relationship is different and special. One friend has a wicked sense of humor. Another is a playful tease. A third “mothers” me in a way I find comforting and endearing. A fourth is a steady, calming presence.

I enjoy having friends with such different personality traits. They bring out different sides of me, and I love them each in unique ways.

I also value having friends of different ages. I learn from the wisdom and experience of my older friends while enjoying the energy and fresh ideas of my younger friends.

As we go through life, most of us gather friends along the way. Sometimes we pursue the people we’re drawn to, and sometimes they pursue us.

The best friendships are fluid. They grow and change over time, adapting to the changing circumstances in our lives. Some relationships eventually fall by the wayside, but many remain, and the friendships deepen over the years as we allow ourselves to become more vulnerable.

It occurred to me today as I was reminded again about agape love that all healthy friendships involve aspects of that special type of affection. Our best friends:

-are not jealous or competitive.

-respect our time and our boundaries.

-are teachers and learners, offering advice but also accepting it.

-are able to be both helpers and helpees, keeping the balance in check.

-are secure enough to be happy for us when we enjoy other friends.

-want only the best for us. 

This challenging year has has made me especially grateful for the incredible group of friends I rely on and the healing power of their love.

As we approach the magical days of Christmas and Hanukkah, I wish you agape love in all your relationships.

Affectionately,

Elaine