“It's something rare and beautiful when people can confide in each other without fearing what the other person will think.”
~ E.A. Bucchianeri

Are you a secret keeper?

We all are to some extent. Each of us has something from our past that we’re reluctant to share.

Things we’ve done. Things that have been done to us. Mistakes we’ve made. Behaviors we engage in when no one’s around.

We’re afraid that if we reveal it, it will change someone’s perception of us. Or perhaps that they’ll use the information against us at some point.

Self-disclosure exists on a wide continuum, from those who “hold things very close to the vest” to those who “have no filter.” The fact that we have such well-known idioms to describe these behaviors points to how relevant they are to our relationships.

Like most personality traits, the degree to which we’re open with others depends partly on our genes, partly on our conditioning, and partly on the stage of life we’re in.

We’ve all seen chatty preschoolers who, on first meeting, impart information that makes their parents squirm. We’ve met other little ones who silently hide behind their parents. These innate tendencies tend to become relatively fixed over time but can be affected by our life experiences.

As part of our training, parents set the tone about what is acceptable to tell those outside the home. My mother’s mother said, “What will the neighbors think?” so often that it became a running joke among my mother and her siblings. Some parents shame their kids for telling too much about themselves or the inner workings of their family. Those kids learn quickly that keeping quiet is the best way to stay out of trouble.

Our stage of life affects our willingness to disclose as well. We’ve all had the experience of trying to converse with a teenager who shrugs or grunts as their main form of communication. As people age, they tend to relax and become more comfortable confiding in others. Some older folks become quite talkative in their later years, especially with strangers, oversharing in a way that embarrasses their adult children! (Don’t you love those circle-of-life ironies?)

Healthy communication requires discernment about when it’s appropriate to share and when it’s not.

Much as we’re charmed by chatty preschoolers, when adults spill too much, too soon, it puts us off. Similarly we may be intrigued by shy folks, and wonder what their story is. Yet if they’re too closed off, we can end up feeling perpetually on the outside.

As with so many personality traits, when it comes to revealing our secrets, balance is the key.

The decision about whether to confide in someone becomes especially important when it relates to painful events from our past. As Brené Brown says: “The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness.”

This dichotomy in how we view self-disclosure can get in the way of our close relationships. Much as we may be open to what our friends have to share, and nonjudgmental about what they’ve been through, we often don’t afford ourselves the same kindness and compassion. We feel “less than” and yet we yearn to be loved in all our totality.

Before revealing something personal, it’s important to look at why you want to disclose the information. It’s tiring keeping our secrets under wrap—sometimes we’re just ready to be more real. “Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen,” says Brown.

But when we’re able to open up with the right person, it is so freeing. We’re not alone in our suffering anymore. Our connection with that individual deepens as we learn that their respect for us has not been diminished by our revelation.

When a loved one embraces us despite our secrets, it fills us with deep gratitude.

What we fail to realize is that they may feel honored in return.

People tend to appreciate the gift of authenticity. They realize that it takes strength to talk about our hard stuff. When we take a risk and go first, we open the door for them to share when they need to.

If you do decide to reveal something personal about yourself to a friend or family member, it’s important to have enough history with them so you know how they will react. Choose wisely someone with integrity who has shown themselves to be trustworthy, nonjudgmental, and kind.

Allow plenty of time for the discussion. Prepare for a bit of heart pounding, but push through. At the same time, watch for signs of fatigue in the receiver—it’s okay to save some of your stuff for another day. Remember to thank them for whatever comfort or empathy they’ve offered.

Afterwards, allow yourself some time to process the discussion. There’s a phenomenon that happens just after we divulge something of a very personal or sensitive nature with others. Although it may have felt right at the time, and the other person may have reacted well, we begin to feel that we’ve said too much. What happens is that our shame temporarily rises to the surface, and we become embarrassed.

The way to handle this is to check in with the person we’ve shared with and ask them to be honest about their feelings. The likelihood is that it was not too much for them. This brief feeling of shame is one to be tolerated, and will subside. It doesn’t mean we’ve done the wrong thing. It means we were brave enough to take a risk, and we’re feeling our vulnerability.

Sharing our deepest secrets takes courage on many levels. But the rewards can last a lifetime, cementing our relationships and initiating a new level of trust and intimacy with others.

Affectionately,

 Elaine