“Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.”
~ Melissa Marr

This is the time of year when high school seniors get the word about whether they have been accepted to their preferred colleges. My great nephew just got his “yes” from Notre Dame, and we’re all excited for him. His twin brother, and best supporter, is happy for him, and is jazzed about his own invitation to join the golf team at his college of choice in Georgia.

I’m already starting to think about how my niece, an especially devoted mom, will handle the transition. She and her husband have a younger son, but losing two family members from the home at the same time must be particularly challenging.

Like most “firsts” for parents, it’s hard to know what to expect when your kids leave home for college, much as you may try to envision it. You’ll probably get a lot of advice about how to handle the few months surrounding this important life event, but as with any other situation where there are complicated feelings involved, your journey will be unique. Here are some common myths about this stage of parenting:

Myth #1: The transition hits moms the hardest

The Reality: Google “Empty Nest Syndrome” and you’ll find dozens of articles about the unique sadness that affects mothers, especially if parenting has been their central role. But according to research, “both mothers and fathers experience similar levels of Empty Nest Syndrome.” Here and here are some suggestions for how to deal with it. When my own kids “flew the coop,” my friends and I noted that it was the fathers who were calling too often, riding their bikes by campus (when the colleges were local), or wondering aloud if their kids “might just be available for Sunday brunch.” More of the moms had thought about the transition ahead of time and had taken steps to prepare for it by starting new jobs or signing up for more hours at work. At least a few admitted to saying “Woo Hoo!” under their breath a time or two. After sacrificing for so long, they were finally free to spend time on pursuits of their choosing, whether it was planning a girls’ weekend, a trip to a long-dreamed-of destination, or just going for a massage.

Myth #2: It gets easier with subsequent children.

The Reality: Just as each child is unique, each parent-child relationship is unique. Children fulfill different roles in the family at large as well. One child is the helper, another is the affectionate one, a third is the funny one. Parents come to rely on each member for the special gifts they contribute. Having one or more kids still at home does not take away the sting of having one move out. 

Myth #3: The pain doesn’t start until they actually leave

The Reality: Unfortunately, the feeling of dread starts with the beginning of their senior year, and then intensifies in the spring with the rituals of prom, baccalauréat, and graduation. You start to see every event as the last time you’ll experience something with them. But as mentioned in a recent Daily OM post about grieving, while it may feel like you’re caught up in a never-ending spiral of sadness, it’s important to remember that the grief you’re feeling is not a permanent state of being. Rather, grief is part of the process of letting go.

Myth #4: Sadness is the dominant emotion

The Reality: No doubt, you will be sad! But worry will also start to weigh heavily on you as their move-in date approaches. The anxiety about how they will cope, how they will do academically, and whether they’ll make friends will overtake the sadness on some days. At first it’s hard to imagine how you’ll be able to go through a whole day, or multiple days, without seeing or talking to them and making sure they’re okay, but you will. This heartfelt essay presents an unusually honest view of the months ahead of your child leaving, from a mom’s point of view. If you aren’t crying already, here’s another beautifully expressed essay written from a dad’s point of view. Both offerings point to the same need. According to this survival guide from Today.com, “We should give this transition the same care and thought we do to every other major change, knowing it will be filled in some measure with pride, discomfort, sadness and joy.”

Myth #5: The sadness will last for a long time

The Reality: When you arrive home after dropping a teen off at college, you imagine that even a few months later, just passing by their room will send you into fits of crying. So intense at first, fortunately those feelings of emptiness do begin to subside within weeks. Loss is hard, but when a child leaves home, it’s also offset by what you gain, which is time! To yourself! To call a friend or drink a glass of wine while watching your favorite movie. Before long you’ll adjust, although you’ll still keep checking your phone for texts from them. Actually, this part does last forever! :)

~~~

After your child leaves, the pace of your lives will change, but that doesn’t mean that the change has to be unwelcome. Many moms and dads take advantage of their newfound freedom and begin a period of high growth as individuals. They may also focus more on their spouses, resetting their marital relationship, and establishing shared goals for the future.

As your young adult sets off on his or her new path, the next stage of parenting begins. They will still need you, but in different ways. Relieved of the majority of caretaking responsibilities, you can now focus on getting to know them better and deepening your relationship with them as they mature. When you do get to see them in person, even though it will be more periodic, you will treasure your time with them like you never have before.

Affectionately,

Elaine