“When we are flooded with emotion, our feelings overpower our ability to think.”
~ The Wellness Compass Initiative

It happens to all of us—someone says something so hurtful or shocking that we don’t even know what to say. We either respond defensively, and it sets up an argument, or we remain tongue-tied and carry the sting with us for hours afterwards. Later, when we share the interaction with someone else, usually looking for validation for our point of view, they often suggest a response that seems so perfect, we feel like kicking ourselves for not having thought of it at the time.

But why can’t we?

When someone says something that wounds us, at first, we are just taken aback. We feel the blow emotionally but can’t absorb it. Too many thoughts start running through our heads, and we can’t put words to any of them. At least not appropriate words, as the hurt quickly turns into anger.

I used to complain to my therapist that my thinking was too slow in those moments and I couldn’t offer a comeback that expressed how I was feeling. It was confusing, because words are my thing. He begged to differ, and explained that instead my brain was likely processing and discarding angry responses at lightning speed, finding none of them appropriate. Loathe to attack or offend anyone, I simply ended up speechless.

Psychologists use the term emotional flooding to describe the phenomenon we experience in these moments. We feel too many emotions—disbelief, anger, pain, disappointment—at one time to be able to process them. Our body reacts by flooding us with adrenaline and cortisol which makes our blood pressure rise and our heart race. Cognitively, we are so compromised that we find it difficult to respond at all, much less in a thoughtful or curious way that would allow us to find out why the hurtful statement was made.

What to do?

In her terrific Psychology Today blog, therapist Andrea Wachter suggests that thinking through what we’d like to say and building a repertoire of comfortable responses ahead of time can help prepare us for the times when we are rendered speechless. She offers dozens of possible choices for what to say when someone hurts us. Here are a few of my favorites:

· I’m curious what your intention is in saying that.

· Ouch. That feels hurtful. I need a minute.

· I’m not sure how to respond. Give me a minute, please.

· It's okay for you to be mad, but it's not okay for you to be disrespectful.

· What you have to say is important to me but it's getting lost in the way you are saying it.

· I feel a lot of strong emotions about what you just said and I don't want to react harshly, so I’d like to take some time before I respond.

· I know you love me and I don't think you’re intending to be hurtful, but when you say ____________ to me, it feels hurtful and I would appreciate it if you’d try to stop saying that.

Hopefully if the offender realizes the impact of their words on us, they will be contrite, and we will be able to offer them forgiveness.

As difficult as it is when someone offends us, it can be equally upsetting when someone tells us that we’ve hurt them, since it is rarely our intention. Even though the shoe is on the other foot, again our first reaction can be shock, especially if we had no idea we were doing something that bothered them. Similarly, we may not know how to respond.

As awkward as it can be, an apology is always in order, although it needs to be an appropriate one, as I wrote about in this prior post. (The trend toward saying, “I’m sorry you feel hurt” or “I’m sorry you took it that way” is not a true apology because it doesn’t involve us holding ourselves accountable. If we’re truly sorry, we need to understand what we’ve done wrong and resolve not to do it again.)

In her post, Andrea offers some responses for what to say when we realize we have hurt a friend or loved one:

· I will totally take a look at that.

· Can we make time to talk [more about it]?

· What do you need from me right now?

She points out that, “much like learning any language, it takes preparation and practice to learn the language of healthy communication.” Rather than beating yourself up for not being able to think of a response in the moment, consider doing some work ahead of time to craft one you can feel good about.

Affectionately,

Elaine