“We do not learn from experience. We learn from reflecting on experience.”
~ John Dewey

For a while now I’ve been interested in the concept of resilience and the extent to which we can learn to bounce back after difficult events. It’s so hopeful, and unlike so many things we deal with, it’s within our control. But recently I’ve come across a topic that’s perhaps more intriguing to me. It’s called mental immunity. This excellent Forbes article explains what it is and how to achieve more of it.

I first heard about it in The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The word “immunity” caught my attention, of course, because of how often we’ve heard it this year related to Covid. Although the book was written in 2016, the Dalai Lama offers an analogy which is quite timely.

He explains it this way: “Just as a healthy immune system and constitution protects your body against potentially hazardous viruses and bacteria, mental immunity creates a healthy disposition of the mind so that it will be less susceptible to negative thoughts and feelings.”

Being able to rebound quickly is important, but what if we can prevent ourselves from getting so upset in the first place?

Most of us are well versed in the proactive measures we need to take to avoid physical issues, hard as they are to implement and maintain. As a society, until recently, we have been less well versed in the preventative steps that can help protect us emotionally.

By engaging in optimistic thoughts, we can keep our brains more healthy, which can help ward off emotional upset.

Negative thoughts and emotions are much more toxic than we might think. They flood our bodies with stress hormones, which increase anxiety and get in the way of our happiness. By contrast, positive thoughts and emotions flood our bodies with “happy” hormones which make us feel relaxed and content.

The question is, how can we reduce the number of harmful thoughts we have and increase the helpful ones so that we can feel more joy?

“The first step is to accept the reality of suffering,” says the Dalai Lama. “So much of what causes heartache is our wanting things to be different than they are.” But we can learn to change our perspectives so everyday occurrences don’t upset us so much. Not that any of us can ever achieve his level of transcendence, but we can aspire to move a little closer to the ideal he sets for us.

The Dalai Lama believes we have it within us to think about difficult events in ways that allow us to diminish the strong emotion that appears when we allow ourselves to give in to them. In other words, we should try very hard not to let things get to us. The goal is to expect troubles and to simply observe them rather than react to them.

Archbishop Tutu disagrees. He argues that we are human and should not berate ourselves for our negative thoughts or emotions. He believes that the guilt and shame of doing so can make us feel worse, piling shame and guilt on top of the bad feelings we already have.

The book’s co-author Douglas Abrams, who conducted the week-long interview with the men that resulted in the book, says this apparent conflict surprised him. After exploring the idea with psychological experts, however, he resolved the dilemma in his own mind by deciding that each position is valid but represents a different stage in the emotional life cycle.

In our teenage and young adult years, we frequently let our emotions get the best of us, often with disastrous results. Over time, and with experience, we learn how to manage our intense feelings, rather than overreact to them, in large part by changing how we think about what occurs. As we’ve heard, “perception is reality.” 

In my own life, I’ve seen that older people often seem better equipped to deal with life’s tragedies because they’ve experienced so much. They’ve learned that good times and bad times ebb and flow.

Although some control of our emotions may happen naturally over the course of our lifetime, the earlier we learn to do it, the easier time we will have of it.

In other words, we don’t have to wait. We can begin to cultivate mental immunity by learning to calm both our bodies and our minds. The Dalai Lama, who meditates up to five hours a day, has taken this idea to the highest level, and he seems genuinely to be able to transcend the normal frustrations of life because of it. By all accounts he is a happy guy who rarely “lets things get to him.”

As we’ve learned this year, there is no such thing as perfect immunity. Even when we’re careful about our bodies, we may still get sick. Similarly, even if we do the mental work to try to cushion ourselves, we may still get emotionally upset when tragedy strikes. In both cases, however, the effect on us will not be as intense or occur as often as if we were not doing the work, and we will recover more quickly. And if we have a temporary setback, we can do as the Archbishop advises and show ourselves some compassion.

Because of the many ways this year has taxed us, we’ve had to learn how to relax our bodies just to get through these endless days of waiting. Most of us have found that doing simple activities such as breathing, listening to soothing music, and communing with nature have helped.

It’s equally important to relax our minds by making time for reflection, introspection, meditation, and prayer to cushion ourselves emotionally.

By taking these steps, we can move ourselves closer to joy.

Affectionately,

Elaine