Would a Change do you Good?

Photo by Jeffrey Hamilton on Unsplash

“Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully.”
~ Anthony Robbins

I have several friends who are at a turning point, trying to make decisions about their futures. Whether to buy a house, stay in a marriage, move to a retirement center. Big, life-changing decisions that involve no turning back. If they move out, they lose their apartment. If they leave the marriage, they lose the relationship. If they move to a retirement center, they trade a private home for communal living. I feel and understand their stress.

Change can bring anxiety about making the wrong decision, tinged with excitement about what’s to come. It’s hard for most of us to process one emotion at a time, much less navigate multiple, conflicting emotions. Because they have both appealing and unappealing elements, transitions involve what psychologists call the approach-avoidance conflict. As we approach an exciting but potentially scary situation, our anxiety increases, causing us to step back. Then when our anxiety is lower, we’re drawn to the idea once again.

Eventually, one emotion tends to win out. Despite several years of uncertainty, when I could no longer stay in my first marriage and maintain my own identity, I left, despite being somewhat risk-adverse. After all the angst, one day I simply had to leave.

In general, when we’re feeling a nudge, it makes sense to take the necessary steps to change our lives for the better.

I honestly don’t know a single person who still longs for their old house or their old relationship given a reasonable amount of time for the adjustment.

New opportunities often work out well because once we’ve made our decision, we commit to making them work.

So often, as soon as we step through to the other side, we forget all about the angst that was holding us back. We feel in our bones that it was the right choice. 

By contrast, when we don’t get that strong feeling of just knowing, we can get stuck in indecision, unaware that there may be an underlying cause. Two factors that often hold people back are fear of the unknown (“What if it doesn’t work out?”) and undue concern about others (“What if someone never speaks to me again?”).

When making important decisions, it’s best to take the time to be clear about what you actually want first before your mind goes to thinking about all the potential pitfalls and complications.

Much as the wrong kind of “what if” questions can keep us from moving forward, the right kind can actually lend clarity (“What if money were no object?” “What if I didn’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings?”).

Here are some other questions to ask yourself when you’re stuck:

-Is the decision yours to make, or does your situation necessitate making it with someone else? (Obviously a solo decision is much easier to make.)

-Do you have all the relevant facts? (If you are imagining that the right home is out there for the right price, but you don’t actually know, then all you are really doing is fantasizing. Facts allow you to weigh pros and cons.)

It can be tempting during times of indecision to rely too heavily on the opinions of friends. Keep in mind that they should add to the information you have by asking helpful, clarifying questions about what’s holding you back rather than pressuring you one way or the other.

It’s important to be able to take positive actions for ourselves even if they are unpopular with others.

Even if they balk at first, people adjust. And if they truly want the best for you, they will be happy that you are happy. My ex-husband once told me that he thought we were better friends after our divorce than during our marriage, and I agreed.

As the pandemic rages on, most of us are thinking about changing something in our lives. Anything that would give us relief from the restrictions we’re having to take to keep ourselves and others safe. As a case in point, our neighbors went to the beach for a week to get away. They enjoyed the small coastal town they visited so much, they came home and sold their house and moved there! I am amazed, and I salute them for being brave enough to make such a bold move.

If you’re feeling a nudge, chances are that you need a change.

During times when that need is strong in us, especially if it is stress related, our fantasies can get pretty extreme. A big change may well be in order, but as I learned in a class on career counseling, rather than throw the baby out with the bathwater, sometimes all we need to do is make a few tweaks to our existing situation. Try to identify what is working and what isn’t, and see if there are any options to change just the latter.

Big or small, change is often good—invigorating, even. It is evidence that we are growing.

But it should be approached thoughtfully, in response to the call of our soul. If ever there’s a time for us to be truly honest with ourselves, it’s when we’re at a crossroads, deciding whether to walk through the gateway to the path ahead.

Affectionately,

Elaine