“Often times, when we are in struggle, we are seeking to be supported, not solved.”
~ Jaeda DeWalt

It took me several days to figure out that in my post about handling advice last week…I gave you advice! Which momentarily cracked me up. (We have to find our humor where we can these days, right?)

This week we’ll be turning the tables and talking about the situation where we’re the advice-givers. When we offer our counsel to others, we’re the “well-meaning” folks, wanting to share what we’ve learned in order to save other people time or money or heartache. We’re the “helpful” ones who may not be admitting to ourselves that we also enjoy the secondary gain of feeling wise for the moment.

Things look different from the other side of the table, don’t they?

In moments when we can’t resist telling others what we think they should do, hopefully for the right reasons, there are ways to soften the offering. Some of them are presented in “10 Tips to Advise Wisely: How to Give Advice That Actually Helps.” You may have already learned to use some of the following phrases when you introduce your wise words:

“Have you considered…?”
“May I suggest…?”
“I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but…”

My friend Diana frequently uses the last one with me. Since she’s much more of an out-of-the-box thinker than I am, I’ve rarely “already thought of it.” Her confidence in me, though, makes me feel smart—so smart that I don’t hesitate to consider her suggestions.

The trick to giving advice is to consider these five elements before you proceed:

1.     The timing of the discussion
2.     The age of the receiver
3.     The personality of the receiver
4.     The closeness of the relationship
5.     The circumstance

1. TIMING

If someone calls you on their way home from work and they’re clearly stressed, it’s probably not the best time to jump in with suggestions. Unfortunately, in a phone conversation you can’t read body language, but you can listen carefully for the tone of their responses. When my daughter says, “Noted,” I know that it’s time to back off and “just be a mom,” as she sometimes requests of me. It reminds me to offer the words I know she’d much rather hear: “I’m sorry, Honey. That’s hard. I know you’ll figure it out. Good luck with it.”

2. AGE

It’s so tempting to offer counsel to young people because we’ve made their mistakes. We know how much they have to learn. And yet learning is part of the process of maturing, and there is value in dealing with life’s hard knocks ourselves. The sensitive part of me struggles with this urge to help people, because when they hurt, I hurt. But I am finally coming around to realizing that saving someone from pain might result in other, unwanted developments such as increased dependency. It sends the message that they’re not capable and robs them of their self-esteem. And that is a kind of pain I don’t want to inflict on anyone. 

It’s been my experience that the older the recipient, the more likely he or she is to be okay with receiving advice. As we grow emotionally, our ego relaxes, and we become less invested in being right, and more invested in making good decisions. My oldest sister now reflects, “Personally, I have valued the good counsel of others whom I respect.” I’m guessing that’s a position she’s come to in more recent decades.

3. PERSONALITY

Some people are uber independent and take great pride in discovering everything for themselves, no matter the cost. People who base their self-respect on autonomy really don’t want your help! Don’t risk undermining the relationship by offering solutions unless they ask for your input.

4. RELATIONSHIP

The closer the relationship, the more we count on others for valuable perspective. There are times when being a good friend means saying something that’s hard for a friend to hear. A friend of mine finally stopped smoking after another friend of hers kept nudging her, and she said she truly appreciated his persistent efforts. If someone is being hurt in a relationship, physically or emotionally, suggesting that they take action to protect themselves is appropriate, not overstepping.

5. CIRCUMSTANCE

On the other hand, when a friend or loved one is very upset or in pain, it may not be the best time to offer suggestions. A far better option is to consider what psychotherapists call “holding space” for them, which is simply to be there for them and listen to them. “When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control,” says Heather Plett in her lovely article “What it Means to Hold Space for Someone.” We’ll talk more about this important concept in future posts.

As we’ve seen, when it comes to giving advice, there are very few clear-cut answers. Rather, it’s a delicate balance and the decision to say something or refrain will differ from person to person, depending on the situation. The best advice I can give (see what I did there?) is to proceed carefully, thoughtfully, and sensitively.

Affectionately,

Elaine