Why Holding Space is a Better Way to Help

“A caring heart that listens is often more valued than an intelligent mind that talks.” 
~ Michael Josephson

Have you heard of the management concept of the monkey on your back?

Basically, it has to do with how you handle the situation when someone comes to you with a problem. If, during the course of the conversation, you become so invested that you promise to look into the issue for them, the “monkey on their back” they were carrying gets transferred to your back. You will now have to devote your time working on a solution to their problem.

As you walk away, you may be thinking “What just happened?”

Sound familiar?

Often when people share their woes with us, we pick up on their emotional intensity, and become increasingly worked up ourselves. “Something must be done about this!” we think. It throws us into a frame of mind where we feel compelled to take quick action.

Notice I said we have to take action. Once we’re drawn in and offer to help, the other person can now relax a bit, but our stress has just increased. If we do this often enough, we may end up with a lot of monkeys to care for.

This article explains the phenomenon in more detail and describes the four rules of what is called “Monkey Management.” In business, the rules typically apply to assignments or projects, but they can just as easily be applied to parenting, or even friendships where someone has become dependent on us for solutions.

The goal of good monkey management is to not accept the monkey. As the writer of the piece says, “Nobody wins when you take care of other people’s monkeys.”

We learned a few weeks ago from Elizabeth Gilbert the difference between compassion vs empathy. Her point was that you can love someone deeply and feel for them, but not have to take on their problem as your own. In fact, there are some good reasons not to do so.

Last fall, my friend Alyssa from book club explained her own, wise viewpoint about this topic as it relates to our personal energy and resources. She was kind enough to let me share it with you:

Each of us has been given enough energy to take care of ourselves and to help those around us in moments when they aren’t capable of handling something personally.  If we use that energy wisely, we have a good chance to thrive in life.  

If we deplete our energy by constantly helping others when we aren’t consistently taking care of our own needs, or helping others when they are perfectly capable of handling their own life situations, we will eventually become exhausted, frustrated, resentful, and burned out.

When we choose to help others when they are capable of the task, we are also stealing that experience from them, and hijacking the opportunity for them to apply their own energy to work through a life situation.

We all are given the beautiful gifts of time and energy — such valuable resources! — but we must use them in the way they were intended in order to have enough available for the lives we want to lead.

So, let’s return to our initial scenario. Rather than offer to take their problem on, often the most loving thing we can do for someone is just to “hold space,” for them, a concept I introduced last week. Notice that #11 in this wonderful article on the topic is “Don’t try to fix it” for them. What can we say instead?

Here are some ideas:

“I will say a prayer/hold a good thought for you.”
“Looks like you have some work/investigating/exploring/soul searching to do.”
“I know you’ll figure it out.”
“Listen to your gut. The answer will come to you.”
“I’m here for you as you go through this.”
“I have faith in you.”
“I will support you, whatever you decide.”

Each of these statements conveys your confidence that they will be able to handle it.

When others have said similar things to me when I was wrestling with a problem, I’ve felt comforted, supported, and stronger somehow. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that someone else is willing to walk alongside you as you work through your own issues.

If you, like me, tend to be too quick to jump in and offer help to those around you, you may want to redefine what “help” looks like. By letting other people take care of their own monkeys, you will still be assisting, but in a more effective way. And you’ll have more time and energy left for your own pursuits.