Appreciating Wise Older Women

Photo by Christian Newman on Unsplash

“When you see me walking, stumbling, don’t study and get it wrong.
‘Cause tired don’t mean lazy and every goodbye ain’t gone.
I’m the same person I was back then, a little less hair, a little less chin,
A lot less lungs, and much less wind.
But ain’t I lucky I can still breathe in.”
~ Maya Angelou

Years ago I remember Oprah talking to her audience about the importance of having a “wise older woman” in their lives to show them the way. Her most famous friend, of course, was the gifted poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist, Maya Angelou, nearly 26 years her senior.

 I am blessed to have friends of all ages, including a number of wise older women. We have longevity on both sides of our family, so I have several aunts in their late 80s and early 90s. One of my cousins remarked this week that our aunts, women of the Greatest Generation, were so good, we don’t have a chance of measuring up. They were God-fearing women, as they say, who raised enormous families (ranging between five and twelve children!). Still, they made time to volunteer, help their neighbors, and lend an ear to anyone who needed it. As a child, I remember them as kind, patient, and happy souls…just the opposite of how my cousin and I imagine we’d be in their circumstances. Several of them on my father’s side are struggling with health issues right now, so they’ve been on my mind. After so many years of them always being there for us, it’s hard to imagine that their time may be short.

Aging takes its toll on all of us. Coming to terms with it may be one of the toughest adjustments we face in our lives. One of my older friends was talking this week about the frustration about not being able to do what she used to do. And the sadness of it. My mother, who passed away three years ago at the age of 98, used to have similar feelings. She was a firecracker, more energetic than anyone I know, except maybe our daughter. Even though my mother was able to walk, swim, and use an exercise machine into her 90s, she still got very frustrated at the things she could no longer do. Highly independent, and not fond of receiving help, she resisted hearing aids, walkers, and home health assistance until they were absolutely necessary.

I can understand. Who doesn’t want to think of themselves as strong and capable? As one of my mother’s dear friends explained to me one time about aging, “Year after year, I feel like the same person on the inside. But I look in the mirror and think ‘Who is that?’”

Now in our early 60s, my husband and I are just beginning to feel our age. Though still capable of some pretty challenging projects, we’re beginning to injure ourselves more easily. He has a frozen shoulder at the moment, from some ambitious hedge trimming. I took my first major fall several weeks ago, having gotten trapped between a toddler and a dog. (Thankfully, all I got were a few bruises—mostly to my ego.) We can still play “get you” and race with our grandsons, although since I’m not the fan of the treadmill my husband is, I have to take more frequent breaks. We often remark that we’re glad we’re not any older for these high-energy toddler years.

This week I’ve been helping my middle sister with her book for family members who are taking care of their parents or older loved ones. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that she’s a nurse who had her own home health care business until she retired. The stories in her first draft are so touching, they brought tears to my eyes.

Some people can’t get enough of snuggling babies, others are passionate about working with teenagers, but my sister absolutely loves caring for the elderly. She’s naturally curious and, like Oprah, believes she has benefitted from their great wisdom over the course of her career. By asking the right questions, she’s been able to draw out the life stories of even those with fairly advanced dementia. She’s worked with many prominent clients in the DC area, including an attorney for a US district court, a Washington reporter who highlighted women's rights, and a nursing instructor at the Catholic University of America who wrote a seminal textbook on nursing.

Having read an early draft of my sister’s book, I look forward to the completion of it. In it she encourages family members and caretakers to be patient with seniors and to work to find creative solutions to their care, especially when they are resisting help. As she says, all of us have deficits, and even though some of their capacities have been diminished because of age, seniors are still themselves and are worthy of great respect for the contributions they’ve made.

We lost one of this country’s wisest older women this week with the passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg at age 87. Long an advocate for women’s rights, she worked tirelessly against gender discrimination, her efforts resulting in significant legal advances for women in the 1970s and 1980s before she was sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice in 1993. She also fought ageism, writing an important ruling on the topic in 2018. It is fitting that she will be the first woman in history to lie in state in the US Capitol. We thank her for opening the doors of opportunity for the rest of us. May we strive to be worthy of her extraordinary efforts.

Affectionately,

Elaine