7 Tips for Developing Compassion for Difficult People
Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash
“People who are hard to love can grow our heart for love.”
~ Anonymous
In my last post, I discussed the fact that a percentage of difficult people actually have personality disorders, and offered some ideas for protecting yourself emotionally from them. Once you’ve broken out of the endless cycle of battles with a problematic person in your life, you can move into a better, more compassionate space by doing the following:
GET CURIOUS. Ask them to explain how they came to think about something in the way they do, what their prior experiences were in that area, or why they need to do a task a specific way. If it’s safe for you to do so, temporarily joining them in their worldview can help you understand how it makes sense on some level (as with our hoarding example in my prior post). Everyone likes being listened to and it may be a new and welcome experience for them. Here are some additional compassionate practices that may help.
FIND THE HUMOR. If you approach people just right, sometimes you can get them laughing at themselves. Offer up something you do that most people would find ridiculous. We’re all human, and we’re all weird in some way. And probably embarrassed to admit it. It’s healthy to laugh at ourselves and our foibles, and laughter can forge closer connections between people.
PLANT A SEED. If your loved ones ever reveal that they might like to give up an obsession or problematic behavior, encourage them. Tell them that you believe they can do it and that you’ll support them when they are ready. Just be realistic with your expectations. This is their journey.
LOVE THEM ANYWAY. Everyone deserves love. There is probably something you do love about them, something you could embrace if you weren’t so frustrated with them. Is there some activity you both enjoy, something that takes your focus off your relationship so you don’t have to have a discussion? Try doing that together rather than just avoiding them.
LOOK FOR THE SPIRITUAL LESSON. If ever there were an opportunity for compassion, this is it. Think of the areas where you are not yet entirely developed and need patience from others. Some people believe every hardship in your life is there to teach you a lesson. Even if you don’t accept this premise, you can still learn something from having to deal with someone who’s hard for you.
PRAY FOR THEM. Imagine if you suffered from their malady. What must it be like to be them? Picture yourself throwing tantrums and getting into arguments on a regular basis. It must be exhausting and unsettling, if not downright embarrassing. Would you rather be you having to deal with them, or be in their shoes?
GET SUPPORT. When dealing with people who distress you, it’s important to take care of yourself whenever possible. It is not your job to fix them or try to control their emotions. The frustration that arises from interactions with them can be intense and can lead to unhealthy behaviors on your part. Many people who go for professional help are there for support in dealing with the crazy-making people in their lives. Part of the healing process involves learning that your self-worth doesn’t depend on them, particularly if the troublesome person is a parent or partner.
You may not be able to change the difficult people in your life, but by using these tips, you can significantly lessen the negative effect they have on you. The challenges may feel insurmountable right now, but with determination and persistence, you can learn to manage their impact on you over time.
Know that you are not alone.
Affectionately,
Elaine