Protecting Yourself from Difficult People

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

“If you hold yourself dear, protect yourself well.”
~ Buddha

Do you have a difficult person in your life?

The drive-you-nuts, pull-your-hair-out kind of difficult?

Many of us do.

They may be at your school, at your work, in your club, or worst of all, in your family.

If you can escape them, great! As author and life coach Iyanla Vanzant says, “When you see crazy coming, cross the street.”

But sometimes that’s not possible.

The holidays may be behind us, but this week I imagine some of you may be experiencing a bit of post-holiday anxiety after spending time with one or more difficult family members.

None of us behave well when we’re stressed, and I can’t think of a more stress-inducing year than the one we’ve just been through, even if there were some silver linings. Discussions about how and when to celebrate (or whether to celebrate together at all, given the pandemic) were emotional for many. Couple that with financial stress and political fatigue, and interactions with our less flexible loved ones may have been even more challenging this year.

Fortunately, there are ways to manage the upsetting people in your lives so your blood pressure doesn’t shoot up every time you interact with them.

First, stop and do some focused breathing. Let’s remind ourselves to do that often in 2021.

Next, let’s look at what makes some people so hard to deal with. Although we all have our quirks, it’s often when people are extreme in one or more areas that their behavior impacts our lives in a negative way.

What is it, exactly, that is so troublesome about their behavior? Are they rigid, jealous, or distrustful? Overly negative, quick to anger, or controlling? Or is it their unpredictability, irrationality, or trouble with impulse control?

Healthy people can sense when someone is a bit “off,” even if we can’t always articulate what it is we’re seeing. Those truly hard-to-be-with people in your life may well have actual personality disorders, which involve problematic but enduring traits that affect how they think, behave, respond emotionally, and relate to others.  

While most of us can exhibit any of the negative traits mentioned above at times, people with personality disorders display them with much more frequency and intensity than most.

These disorders can present themselves as early as the teenage years. Our genes can predispose us to develop unusual and unhelpful traits, and traumatic life experiences can unleash those tendencies.

It’s estimated that 10-13 percent of the world’s population have personality disorders, which is why you’re likely to encounter someone suffering with one at some point in your life.

Some traits arise as extreme forms of defense mechanisms that develop in response to early trauma. For example, people who grow up with food insecurity can become food hoarders. When they get older, although they can afford all the food they want, they will continue to stock up to an extreme level, and there is no way to convince them not to. From the outside, it can look irrational, but from the point of view of a psyche working overtime to protect them, it makes sense. It’s a form of overlearning, or at least over applying what they’ve learned, in order to control anxiety.

Treatment can help, but many disturbed people lack insight into their own unhealthy traits.

People with moderate to severe personality disorders often have fragile egos, which is why they tend to blame others rather than accept that they have a problem.

Although it can be so distressing to have to deal with an individual like this, keep in mind that their tendencies are not easy for them either.

They typically have poor coping skills due to their rigid thinking, and have difficulties forming close personal relationships as a result of their emotional immaturity.

Here are some tips for coping with difficult people. These protective measures will help you to feel more in control around them:

CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. The most important fact about difficult people is that they are not likely to change. If you love them and want to have “normal” close relationships with them, this will be incredibly hard to accept. But once you do, and are able to grieve the loss, then you can begin to take steps to protect yourself. Surprisingly, changing your own behavior is often the only thing that can improve these relationships somewhat.

ESTABLISH FIRM BOUNDARIES. This one step will help more than any other. If you need help, consider taking this course on Radical Boundaries from the Daily OM. You will learn what boundaries are, why enacting them is critical for healthy relationships, how to communicate them respectfully, and strategies for dealing with resistance to them.

DON’T ARGUE WITH THEM. Many difficult people like to argue, or “get under your skin.” It’s important to break out of the reactive cycle, which only maintains your suffering and yields them more attention. Be calm but firm, tell them what works for you, and then end the discussion. Think through what you want or need up front before entering into a negotiation with them. Otherwise they will “dig in” before you’ve had a chance to think through the best solution.

DON’T ENABLE THEM. When faced with strong or angry personalities, it’s tempting to walk on eggshells or tiptoe around them. Insofar as possible, resist the urge to do so. Behave as normally as possible around them. Learn to say “that just doesn’t work for me” rather than giving a specific excuse that they can then argue against. Realize that a lot of the “mouthing off” they do is just noise that keeps them relevant (not that they’re aware that’s what they’re doing). Learn not to take it in. Disengage before the discussion gets heated.

You may have a lot of missteps as you are learning to put these tips into practice, but as you become more confident, your frustration and feelings of helplessness will begin to decrease.

In my next post I’ll offer some tips that can help you become more compassionate toward these troubled folks in your life.

For now, take care of yourself. Better days are on their way!

Affectionately,

Elaine