A Lifetime of Caring
Photo by Anna Bass
“There are only four kinds of people in the world: Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.”
~ Rosalyn Carter
For 15 years my family has been gathering on the weekend closest to October 8th, which was my mother’s birthday. It started with her 90th birthday when my six siblings and I held a private luncheon in her honor at the senior center where she lived. Once Mom passed, my oldest sister reasoned that since we were in the habit, continuing to meet up that particular weekend would be the best way for us all to stay connected.
Over the years, the luncheon has expanded to a weekend at my brother’s beautiful wooded property that we affectionately call “The Ponds,” and a few of our adult kids have started to join us. This year, my oldest niece took the lead in encouraging all 17 of her generation and their families to participate, in part so that their kids could get to know each other better since we’re all so spread out.
We’ve developed a routine that starts with a pizza party on Friday night, a short service in a memorial garden on Saturday morning to honor our parents and ancestors, a sibling luncheon, and a catered meal on Saturday evening. This year we had 54 in attendance, with the ages ranging from 2 ½ to 79. We missed the few who couldn’t attend due to work responsibilities.
It went too quickly, as these events always do, but our shared joy was palpable, and we’ve been texting photos to each other over the last few days to relive the special moments. We’re incredibly grateful to have these opportunities to see each other in person.
In the afterglow of our time together, I have found myself thinking about the life cycle of a family, and how important caring for each other is at every stage. My kids have some of the youngest children in the family. Much as we all love the cuteness and snuggles, for the parents, the days are long and the care can seem never-ending, especially when the little ones are up at night. It requires so much spur-of-the-moment creativity and so many relationship skills and tools.
As young parents, all of us find out quickly that we are not as prepared as we need to be for the demanding role we face. We “shift into high gear,” as my mom used to say, and learn as we go along, somehow making our way through it. (By the time we become grandparents, with our energy and patience waning, we wonder how we ever survived those years!)
As the kids grow up, the physical demands lessen, but the emotional ones increase. There are squabbles, hurt feelings, and the constant refrain of situations that “are so unfair” to them. In high school and college there are exciting times, but also disappointments and heartbreaks. Then come the anxiety-provoking work, life, and relationship decisions, and before you know it, the kids are having kids.
Love and compassion get us through it all.
If we’re lucky, we get a bit of a reprieve where we can enjoy life and our own pursuits before our parents or older relatives start to need more care. When that time comes, although some of what we’ve learned along the way is applicable, again we find ourselves somewhat ill-equipped to meet the unique challenges of those years. The relationship between aging parents and their adult children is complicated. Our seniors try to hold onto their independence as long as they can and we feel the need to become more involved due to increased safety concerns.
Given the importance of caregiving roles throughout the life cycle, it’s amazing to me that as a society we don’t offer more training for it, although we’re finally trending in the right direction. We understand now the importance of healthy emotional expression at every age, which is best fostered by strong connections, especially those with family. There are more resources, podcasts, and books than ever to help us navigate the rough waters.
Just this week my sister Joan announced the release of her geriatric caregiving book Creative Caregiving Solutions: Navigating Your Relationship with Your Aging Loved One which I helped her edit and publish. It’s been gratifying to be involved with it, given its potential to teach people how to better understand each other and communicate more productively. Many early readers have remarked that although it is geared toward our relationship with aging seniors, Joan’s approach is valuable for all our relationships.
Joan has been a nurse for over 50 years and has a wealth of knowledge about the respect, empathy, and patience required if we want to be nonjudgmental and non-confrontational with our loved ones. I had the good fortune of growing up learning from her and I’m sure it spurred my own interest in psychology.
One of the highlights of the weekend was a book signing to celebrate her accomplishment. (Unfortunately, her son Drew, who helped her record her fascinating patient stories that are at the heart of the book, was unable to make the event due to a last-minute work trip.)
Two observations especially moved me during the course of the weekend. One was to hear the values expressed by my parents and grandparents echoed by my kids, nieces, and nephews as they talked together, the most central of which is the importance of being in service to the world. Their generation is doing that in spades. I couldn’t be any more proud of them.
The other was to see our youngest generation start to take care of each other, especially the little ones. Teenagers willingly looked out for toddlers and big kids invited younger ones to join in their games, teaching them the skills required and the rules. The little ones, without knowing it, were also taught a valuable lesson that will last them a lifetime—the importance of kindness and caring for other family members.
My sister is signing her books “Peace is possible.” What a message for us all to hold onto this week in particular.
Affectionately,
Elaine