“Where there is love there is life.” 
~ Mahatma Gandhi

How do you love someone?

You listen to them.

You get to know them by giving them time and attention.

You learn their love language (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch).

You’re kind to them, especially when they’re struggling or when they make mistakes.

You have their back. 

You give them the benefit of the doubt.

What do you think would happen if we put the same effort into to our relationship with ourselves? 

Most of us come from traditions, religious or otherwise, where focusing on ourselves is not okay. We are taught to put our needs aside to help others, lest we become egocentric. 

In reality, self-love is on a continuum. It’s true that if the balance is shifted too much towards the self, it can result in narcissism. People who always put themselves first struggle in relationships because they’re not able to show genuine care for others. As vexing as these people are, I feel genuine compassion for those who cannot both give and receive love.

But at the other end of the continuum is people who don’t love themselves enough, and as a result, don’t feel worthy of love from others. I feel compassion for them, too. It’s a painful state, and it can scare away others who sense that they are overly needy. 

Some families naturally demonstrate how to give and receive love in equal measure. But people who miss out on good examples of what healthy, balanced love relationships look like in their formative years can end up walking around as adults with a deep well of need inside of them. They may put their happy masks on for the world, but often when they are alone, they feel desperately lonely. If they are regularly disappointed in love, they may begin to wonder if they are unlovable. 

Most of us believe with all our hearts that if we could just find someone who would love us well, that feeling would disappear. It can be heartbreaking to find out that once we’ve found our perfect person and had our perfect honeymoon, that same old emptiness can resurface. 

It turns out that we are the only ones who can pull ourselves out of the well.

This is true whether you are single or attached. Even if you feel content with a romantic partner at the moment, you can’t always count on them being there. Relationships change, spouses pass away. Most of us have times when we’re partnered, and times when we’re not, throughout our adult lives. 

The good news is, if you find yourself down in the well, there’s a fix. The bad news is, the climb involves a lot of work.

(But then, you’re getting to know me by now, and you know I’m not about quick fixes.)

The only way to get to the top is to learn to love yourself. 

One of the early psychologists, Carl Rogers, called it developing “a quiet sense of pleasure in being one’s own self.” 

We know in our hearts when we don’t have a positive sense of self compared to others. We see the attributes of those around us who do a good job caring for themselves: they protect themselves emotionally, they set boundaries, they speak up for what they need, and as a result, they appear to be happier and have more confidence. 

Friends may have even suggested to us that we need to love ourselves more, but what does that really mean? How do we do it?

I grew up believing that love is a feeling. Who doesn’t relish the heady rush of being in love? But when I heard the idea that love in relationships is also a verb, the concept resonated with me. We may feel love for someone, but the expression of that love requires us to take positive action in order for the other person to feel it too. 

Happily, the process of learning to love ourselves is nearly identical to the way we begin to care for a new love interest—one attentive, loving action at a time that, over the course of weeks or months, cements a relationship and builds trust. 

Imagine giving to yourself all the things you are longing for from others. 

Let’s take a look at the list again:

~

Do you listen to yourself?

Do you get to know yourself by giving yourself time and attention?

Do you know your own love language?

Are you kind to yourself, especially when you’re struggling or when you make mistakes?

Do you have your own back?

Do you give yourself the benefit of the doubt?

~

Self-love is a basic human necessity for a happy life. 

When you are able to love yourself unconditionally, you will experience inner contentment, no matter what life brings.

It also turns out to be one of the best ways to draw love to us, so it’s a win-win!

Another early psychologist, Erich Fromm, argued that in order to be able to truly love another person, a person first needs to love and respect oneself. As I will so often mention in these posts, taking the time to turn inward can yield important information about our authentic selves—our strengths and weaknesses, our preferences. 

The more closely we align our behaviors to our core values, the more we will find to respect and admire about ourselves.

Having done a great deal of work on self-love in recent years, I can tell you that I’ve enjoyed getting to know myself! Turns out I’m pretty fun to hang around with. I bet you are too!

For more ideas on how to increase your self-love, here’s A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love.  

This week I’m wishing you love, in all its many forms. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Affectionately,

Elaine