The Joy of Being Seen - Part I

Photo by Clark Young at Unsplash

“The eyes are the windows to your soul.”

~William Shakespeare

Not long ago I gave my friend Terri a ride to lunch. We were meeting up with several other girlfriends, but were happy to have time to catch up with each other on the way there and back. She got in my car and we extended our cheeks for a brief embrace. Then she said, “Let me have a good look at you.” I turned fully towards her, and she studied my face for a second, and then looked into my eyes.

It had only been a few weeks since we’d been together, but we’d missed each other. Even though it was just for a moment, I felt inexplicably honored.

It was not until later that I realized I had also felt “seen.”

You know those times where you feel like you must be channeling something from the universe? When so many coincidences occur or ideas coalesce that you feel there must be some mysterious guiding hand orchestrating it all?

This felt like one of those weeks. In several different discussions with friends in recent days, the topic has been about the need to be seen and heard. To be seen in such an unexpected way by my friend that day was a brief but surprisingly profound experience.

When we feel disconnected in our relationships, it’s sometimes hard to describe what’s wrong.

We might be vaguely aware of feeling lonely or maybe even irrelevant. But it’s rare that we actually say that we don’t feel seen or heard. Still, perhaps because they represent such elemental human desires, there from birth, those words resonate when we hear them.

Most of us can remember carefree days in our youth when we were splashing in a pool and screaming to our parents, “Look, Mom. Look at me!” Or we played a few notes on the piano or sang a made-up song and said, “Listen to me, Dad!” You probably didn’t stop screaming until your parent actually laid eyes on you.

As children we’re often unabashed about speaking up for or even demanding attention, but over time we become conditioned not to ask for it. In fact, many of us have become quite content to fly under the radar, initially perhaps so we don’t get in trouble, and later so as not to endure the pain of embarrassment.

It can be awkward, and can bring up shameful, uncomfortable feelings, to ask for attention as adults. Especially if we had parents who weren’t well equipped to deal with our emotional needs.

Still, that longing doesn’t go away. It just goes underground. Some of us become people pleasers instead, and seek to fill that need by striving to get praise for our accomplishments, mostly in our careers. We may even become workaholics, unaware that we are trying to get our subconscious needs met. We try and try, not realizing that surface praise for our performance is a poor substitute for genuine esteem.

The deeper need to be seen and heard is not about appreciation for what we do, but for who we are.

It’s not merit based—it’s personal.

At some level, all of us crave the attention that comes from unconditional positive regard. The kind we don’t have to earn.

The surest way to get that kind of regard is to open ourselves up to be seen and heard. For an explanation of one way to do this, see “How Mindfulness of Feelings is Essential to Building Healthy Relationships.” More on that in Part II on this topic.

Thanks for truly seeing me, Terri. I’m still savoring the feeling.

Affectionately,

Elaine