The Natural Ebb and Flow of Friendships

Photo by Long Truong on Unsplash

“How beautiful it is to find someone who asks for nothing but your company.”
~ Brigitte Nicole

When I was in second grade, I was a Brownie. I felt special wearing my uniform, beanie, and tie, and sitting in a circle with the other girls, doing crafts. At the end of each meeting, we sang this song in rounds:

“Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, and the other’s gold.”

I was vaguely aware that the verse was about the value of friendship, but that was the extent of my understanding back then.

I didn’t go on to become a Girl Scout. For a short while, though, I was a Cub Scout. (Not a bonafide one, but my mom was a Den Mother for my brother’s pack, and the meetings were at our house, so I attended!)

It took me a while to find my footing where friends were concerned. Growing up, there weren’t any girls my age on my block, but with so many kids in our family, I didn’t need playmates outside of school. In junior high I developed a small, close-knit group of confidantes, and we stayed together through high school. We were intimidated by the large clique of “mean girls” in our school, who definitely let us know that we weren’t cool, but we had each other for comfort.

When I moved to NC for college, it was a dramatic change for me. I took a lot of challenging classes and had a job, so I only made a couple of friends. Then I had my son at age 19, and was swept up in mommy-hood for the next few years.

After my divorce I went back to school and met a special person who changed the trajectory of my life. We started chatting at a party and have been chatting ever since. Somehow she was able to see the authentic me underneath my shy exterior. She mentored me, encouraged my emotional growth, and opened my eyes to the richness of connection that is possible between kindred spirits.

Since then, I’ve had the pleasure of many deep friendships in my life. Here are some things I’ve learned from them:

Friendship is a rare and special gift. In my family we didn’t say, “I love you” often, so it was curious to me when I first started hearing it from friends. Having female companions hold my hand or give me bear hugs was, and still is, a delight to me, something I never tire of.

You can pursue the people you are drawn to. When I went back to college in my mid-20s to study psychology, it opened up a whole new world for me. I started to figure out what I wanted and began to develop the confidence to go after it. I learned that the concept could be applied to people as well, and I’ve been collecting friends ever since.

Everyone requires a different number of relationships. It’s good to have friends you can laugh with, ones you can cry with, and ones who will keep your secrets. In general, introverts prefer fewer, deeper friendships, and extroverts cast a wider net, but there is no right number.

People prefer different levels of connection. We can have acquaintances, casual friends, good friends, and more than one bestie. Some friends can’t talk about certain topics. Some can only handle a certain amount of intensity or can only listen to a certain amount of venting. Knowing this, and having a nice variety, means we always have someone to turn to. This cute video talks about six types of friends we may have in our lives.

People require different amounts of togetherness. Just as one friend prefers texting and another prefers email, people vary when it comes to how often they want to connect. I have friends I talk to nearly every day, some every several weeks, and some every few months. Each relationship has its own pattern.

Friendships change over time, as people grow and evolve in different ways and at different rates. Good friends allow each other to grow as they need to. There is no requirement that says relationships have to stay exactly the same in order to be fulfilling.

Just like spouses and partners, friends can sometimes disappoint us. They have lives, too, and sometimes their needs have to supersede our need for them. But as with other relationships, we can work through these hiccups and get things back on track.

Some friends are only in our lives for a certain period of time. When they walk away, it hurts, especially if they don’t share the reason with us. But rather than spend too much time feeling sad or rejected, we can instead focus on how wonderful it was to have them in our lives when we needed them.

The most important thing I’ve gleaned from my friendships is that there are no set rules. It’s all okay. Whatever works for each individual relationship is fine. Knowing this, I don’t hold on so tightly anymore. I don’t get offended as easily, and I don’t feel rejected as easily. It’s a matter of learning what you need, becoming aware of your friends’ needs, and working things out as best you can.

I’m grateful for the many gold and silver relationships I’ve had in my life. Many of my old friends are readers of this blog, and their support means the world to me. I count all my new readers as friends now as well.

You may have heard it said that friends are like family you’ve chosen. To me, what’s even better, is that they’ve chosen you back!

Thank you all for being in my life.

Affectionately,

Elaine