How Boundaries Help us Navigate Relationships - Part I
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“Guard your heart, mind and time. Those three things will determine the health of everything else in your life.”
~ Andrena Sawyer
The importance of boundaries in relationships seems to be a popular topic in psych blogs and articles these days. Boundaries are essentially invisible rules that govern our behavior as social beings. They prevent others from invading our space, prevent us from invading others’ space, and allow us to be who we are in our own right, distinct from people around us.
In her book Facing Codependence, author Pia Mellody explains that there are actually two types:
Internal boundaries have to do with our relationship with ourselves (rules for our own behavior).
External boundaries have to do with our relationships with others (rules for our behavior with others).
What this means is that there is an entire array of unspoken rules that govern us and all of our relationships.
No wonder we have such trouble understanding each other!
Imagine driving if you didn’t know the rules of the road and all the street signs were invisible.
Learning about boundaries can help us navigate relationships more easily.
And off we go!
There are a number of different types of boundaries, each of which has relevance to our everyday lives: mental, emotional, physical, even spiritual.
We can have strong boundaries or weak ones, or be strong in one area and weak in another.
We may not be aware of our own boundaries at all or be able to acknowledge them to others. The same may be true for them.
So where do boundaries come from?
Some are learned. We simply adopt the rules established or modeled by our parents as if they were the only possible ones. Going away to college provides an eye-opening and expanding experience in part because we realize that other families may have different rules, and in fact some may have the exact opposite ones!
Some represent our personal preferences, but if we dig deeper, we find that most arise from our personal values. Since our personal values can be widely different, our boundaries are unique to us. For instance, if we value privacy, we may limit how much personal information we share, especially with strangers. On the other hand, if we value emotional intimacy, we may tend to be quite open.
They can vary by temperament. People pleasers tend to have soft boundaries, and as a result are more likely to let people take advantage of them (even if unknowingly). Sensitive people are often more attuned to the needs of others. Narcissists are known for pushing boundaries over and over. (Here are some suggestions for setting and maintaining boundaries with them.) Emotionally intense people may also push boundaries, driven by the strength of their own needs.
They can vary by age. From toddlerhood to the teenage years, children are more likely to push limits because of their emotional immaturity. As they grow, they learn to respect the guidelines set by others, and develop their own standards as well.
They can also vary by culture, which is why many government officials and business professionals attend cross-cultural training on how to greet international clients, manage personal space, and offer feedback so they don’t unintentionally offend them.
They can evolve over time as we learn from our life experiences. Our behavior is largely governed by its consequences. In general, we set more boundaries over time as we learn from our individual experiences. How many times have you said, “I’ll never do that again!” When we talk about “putting our walls up” after being hurt, that’s an example of boundary-setting.
They can vary because of differences in our financial situations. When we were in our first house, all our neighbors were just starting out like we were. With everyone in the same boat, we all borrowed things like carpet cleaning machines, camcorders, and yard tools from each other. My mother-in-law was horrified when she found this out. She had a personal rule never to borrow anything, which stemmed from her fear that if she broke something she borrowed, she wouldn’t be able to replace it.
As in many other areas of our lives, some introspection about our own rules and limits can help.
We may find it useful to take a look at our internal and external boundaries to see if we can figure out where they came from, to determine whether they’re appropriate for us based on our current values, and to decide if they still make sense for us at this stage in our lives.
For truly healthy functioning, some of us may need to establish or strengthen our boundaries, and others may need to relax theirs.
Additionally, we may want to give more consideration to the rules that seem to govern others so that we can make them feel more comfortable in our presence.
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In this post we’ve looked at the importance of boundaries and how they’re established. In Part II we’ll discuss how honest communication about boundaries can help promote harmony in our relationships.
Affectionately,
Elaine