How Boundaries Help us Navigate Relationships - Part II

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

“Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.“

~ author unknown

In the last post, we talked about how hard it is to navigate relationship boundaries without knowing the rules of the road.

When we’re driving, even with very clear street signs, we still have car accidents on occasion. The way we “move” in relationships is much more challenging because personal boundaries are nuanced, and can change day to day based on our moods and circumstances. It’s not surprising that we crash into each other once in a while.

But if we learn to communicate better, we can avoid serious damage.

We’ve talked about where our personal rules come from. Let’s use a new metaphor—ballroom dancing—for today’s topic, which is communicating our boundaries to those around us.

When we’re waltzing across the floor with our arms locked, there are no visible signs for how and when to move. Each dancer has to instead sense the boundaries—what the other partner needs—and continually adjust his or her position as necessary. When we do it well, the dance is fluid. When we’re tired, stressed, or otherwise not focused on each other, the dance falls apart.

If our partner moves in too close, and tramples on our feet, it hurts. If they step too far back, it can throw us off balance. But with practice, over time, the dance can improve.

We feel most comfortable in relationships when we know how to behave and what to expect from our loved ones. The same is true for them.

In social dance venues, dancers often switch partners. While there may be subtle differences in style from person to person, there is enough structure to the dance itself that it works.

Similarly, the more we all learn about and agree upon what healthy boundaries look like, and how to communicate about them in a healthy way, the less specific learning we’ll have to do about each other.

But let’s back up a step. 

Before we can communicate what our personal limits are, we have to know them ourselves.

Are you still reviewing and analyzing yours? If you need more help, here are “Five Keys to Healthy Internal Boundaries.”

Once you’ve made decisions about your own requirements, you may decide to proactively communicate some of them to important people in your life. If you’re not used to talking about your needs, it can be awkward to begin, especially later in life. But not as awkward as having someone consistently push up against your boundaries, or being unsure about whether you’re pushing up against theirs.

These aren’t easy conversations, but they’re worth it. The goal is balance, in the long run at least.

Boundaries, when properly expressed, can simplify relationships, and lead to moments, at least, when we glide along in perfect unity.

Considering what you’ll say ahead of time can help. Sometimes phrasing the boundary as a general one, as opposed to being specific to the person at hand, can help take the sting out of it for them. Using language like “I usually prefer to…” keeps it from feeling so personal.

If you didn’t grow up knowing how to set healthy limits for others, you may be concerned at first that establishing them can seem mean or controlling. It’s easy to get that impression when people react badly to your initial efforts, but don’t let it deter you. They may simply need some time to adjust. 

Unfortunately, with some people, you will have to keep setting boundaries. 

If it’s not in their interest, they won’t be sensitive to your needs. Like Patrick Swayze in the film Dirty Dancing, you may have to keep establishing: “This is my dance space. This is your dance space.” It may take some time before they realize you’re serious, but if you’re consistent and firm, eventually they will catch on.

Others may be frustrated when you set limits because they don’t understand them, and you may not be ready yet to reveal why your personal boundaries have arisen. It’s okay.

They don’t have to understand, but they should respect the limits you set.

Similarly, we won’t always understand their boundaries. We have to respect and trust them enough to know that they are taking care of themselves.

Perhaps on reflection you realize that you tend to step on other people’s toes. We all push boundaries at times. If you do it more often than you care to admit, and want to change, begin paying attention to when you do it. We often push others when we’re stressed, rushed, or anxious, and in that moment we allow our needs to supersede theirs. The key is to remember how you feel when someone else pressures you. If you suspect you’re out of line, ask for confirmation. You don’t want to risk alienating friends or loved ones.

Habits can be changed if you set a positive intention to do so.

Do you have more work to do when it comes to setting, enforcing, or respecting boundaries? Most of us do.

I got a late introduction to them in life myself, although I’ve caught up quite a bit in recent years.

Thankfully, I got an early start with dancing. :)

Affectionately,

Elaine