Giving up Control

Photo by Anna Bass

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.’”
~ Mark Z. Danielewski

Back to school.

Never have those words evoked such a range of emotions as they do this year.

When I was a kid, the end of the summer was filled with sadness at the loss of long summer days playing outside with the neighbor kids. At the same time, there was an excitement about what the new school year would bring and who my teacher would be. If I’d grown since the previous year, there’d be a new uniform as well.

This year, for most kids, the excitement is likely far overshadowed by the anxiety. They are hither, dither, and yon, “attending classes” at home, at school, or in some kind of hybrid situation. The major universities in our area have just cancelled in-person classes, and some have sent students home. A great niece in Florida just moved into her dorm room, only to find out that all of her classes except one lab will be conducted virtually.

In times of trouble, it helps to look to history to see how people before us handled similar situations. During the 1918 pandemic, parents similarly debated about whether to send children to school. In those days, families in the big cities lived in crowded, tenement homes which were often far less sanitary than the newly-constructed schools. With nurses present to monitor symptoms, sending the children to school was considered by many to be the safer choice.

As was the case a century ago, there is no way to make a perfect decision about schools this year, because we don’t have enough information. What little we do know changes from week to week. No one does well with that kind of ambiguity. It’s stressful, and causes us to second guess every decision.

If you’re a parent, try to give yourself a break. In this impossibly difficult year, you are faced with impossible choices. Those of us who are aunts, uncles, or grandparents can only view your struggles from afar, wishing we could do more to help.

---

To mark the end of the summer, last weekend hubby and I decided to visit one of my sisters and her husband in Hilton Head, SC. We toured the island (safely), stopping at a few marinas to take in the sights. At one, we parked near a huge boat storage warehouse, with a surprising number of boats stacked up inside. Up close, you see how large and weighty the vessels are. Yet as you glance out at the boats on the water, especially those at a distance, they appear so light and buoyant.

The concept of buoyancy intrigues me. Last month we witnessed a sweet scene as our son tried to teach his son to float. If you’ve ever learned, you know that the more tension you hold in your body, and the more you thrash about, the easier you sink. When we’re in water, it exerts an upward force on us. It feels counterintuitive, but to stay on top of the surface, the trick is to relax, and let the water hold you. This requires you to be still, and give up control.

Kind of like life, especially in 2020.

We’re all thrashing about, trying to adjust to the ongoing changes in our lives.

A few years ago, when I started reading spiritual books, I learned the concept of accepting what IS, rather than fighting it. The idea is that we all struggle, but we learn and grow through the adversity. Contrary to how we’re used to thinking about hardship, perhaps “what’s in the way IS the way,” as the title of Mary O’Malley’s book suggests.

This is a tough concept to grasp. I’m still working on it. I can say that to the extent I’m able to accept it, I feel much calmer.

There is a sense of freedom that comes with not having to be in control of everything all the time. Being in control is an illusion most of the time anyway.

There are no easy answers to the challenges we’re facing this year. To the extent that we “let go and let God,” we will be able to endure it. However much it feels as though our pandemic will never end, it will. 

Imagine the joy and relief felt by people around the world at the end of the 1918 pandemic. It’s no wonder the next decade was nicknamed the Roaring Twenties! People partied as I imagine we will when it’s finally safe to gather in numbers again.

Life ebbs and flows, and sometimes all we can do is go with the current.

I wish you and your family well navigating the unpredictable waters over the next few weeks.

As you begin your new routines this school year, even with all the fits and starts, try to relax and breathe into what IS. It may help you to stay on the surface until you reach a more secure destination.

Affectionately,

Elaine