More Than Meets the Eye
Photo by Elaine Klonicki
“I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.”
~ Lemony Snickett
We just got back from California on Monday. When we fly long distances, my husband prefers the aisle seat and I prefer to sit by the window. If we’re lucky, no one sits in the middle seat and we have more room to stretch out.
I love watching the changing vistas from so high up. It’s amazing how different the topography is from one coast to the other. Every hundred miles, it seems, there’s a completely different landscape. Our tall pines in the Blue Ridge Mountains give way to green pastures and patchwork quilted farmland for miles and miles. Eventually, as we pass by the middle of the country, there is less vegetation and the land turns brown and rocky. Next come the foothills in Colorado, and then there they are…the majestic Rockies, snow-capped still at this time of year due to the recent storms. Pictures just don’t do them justice. Later, deep cracks and crevices begin to appear in the landscape. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, but I’ve seen it from the air many times. Then the Southwest desert appears, with dry lake and river beds. Next are the odd, inexplicable (to me) circles and squares and lines that look like messages to visitors from outer space. And finally the San Fernando Valley appears before us, densely packed with early 20th century homes, nestled at the base of the San Gabriel Mountains.
On this trip, I was reminded that many years ago I read a passage in a book that compared the experience of meeting someone new to that of being an alien landing on our planet. If you landed in the middle of a desert in the Southwest, you’d have a very different impression of the earth than if you landed in the tall corn fields of Ohio or the lush mountains of Tennessee.
Similarly, the author suggested, when we encounter a new person, in whatever environment we find them, we get an impression of who they are, but in truth we’re just experiencing one small facet of their personality. Our initial reaction to them is based mostly on visuals to start with.
But that can be like looking out the window of a plane and seeing one landscape and thinking that’s what the entire earth looks like.
One of the benefits of traveling is it opens our eyes and broadens our perspectives. While I was people-watching in the Denver airport, I noticed the wide variety of human beings there, in all shapes, sizes, colors, and styles of dress. I thought about how each one has a story as rich as any novel.
It would add to our lives if we took the time to listen to the stories of the people we encounter, especially those who seem at first glance to be very different from us.
Our brains are efficient—when we encounter something or someone new, without being aware of it we sift through our stored memory to see how the new entity compares with what we know. This is helpful in many different situations, as when we’re scanning a crowd at a concert to find our companions, but it can work against us when it comes to forming new relationships.
Psychology can explain why we often don’t look beyond the surface. For one, we tend to seek out or at least be drawn to those who are similar to us. Too often we decide who someone is based on a few attributes, and that’s it. We make our quick determination using the most limited of information, and we hold to it without realizing that there may be so much more to them.
For example, at the Burbank airport, I somehow lost my license and boarding pass going through security. I had tossed them into the bin with my shoes, jacket, computer, and purse, and when I exited the area, I realized they were missing. I went back, and talked to a big, stern-looking security guy in a glass booth, who directed me to the bin area to search for myself. After asking two other agents for help, and searching for a bit with no luck, I gave up and took a seat at my gate. A few anxious minutes later I heard my name called, and went back to find that one of the agents had located my items. Feeling so relieved once I had them in my hand, I looked up at the stern guy in the booth on my way out and spontaneously gave him a smile and two thumbs up. He nodded, and then broke out in the widest grin in acknowledgement. It took me completely by surprise, because it ran counter to my initial impression of him. I found myself thinking that that’s the smile he probably reserves for his friends and family, and in that moment, I saw a guy who cared, and was relieved for me. My impression of him changed in a split second.
Everyone is multifaceted. Some of us have more variability in our personalities than others, but most of us have a wide range of interests and talents. People who know us in one venue would likely be surprised if they saw us in another, as we are when we see our serious coworkers start to boogie down at a wedding.
How we act with others depends so much on our circumstances. At the beginning of the pandemic, I read that many spouses were amazed when they heard their better half interacting with clients on Zoom while working from home. A common reaction was “Who are you? Is that how you talk to people at work?” Even our spouses can surprise us, depending on the circumstance.
My son explained that after having frequent meetings with coworkers on Zoom, when he traveled to a quarterly meeting and met them in person, he came to see them in a very different light. Some were taller or shorter than he imagined, or more bubbly or more reserved. Some seemed to have a Zoom persona that was quite different from how they came across in person.
The unfortunate thing is that too often we make snap judgments, and then stick with our initial assessment of people, especially if they are negative.
Think what we’re missing out on when we don’t put in the effort to investigate who people are beyond that single interaction.
It takes energy and intention to extend ourselves to understand the totality of others, but it can be so worth it.
People are amazing, if only we take the time to take in a full view of each other.
Cliché as it sounds, there is always more than meets the eye.
Affectionately,
Elaine