In Part I, we talked about the need to be seen and heard which is so evident in childhood, but is often unacknowledged in adults. You can read that post here.

Related to that theme is the topic of vulnerability. Much as we desire it, “being seen for who we truly are” can be emotionally intense and can reveal our fragility.

It takes courage to make ourselves vulnerable to others.

So often our excuse for not opening up is that we don’t want to bother people with our troubles, or bring them down. And, certainly there is a place and time for personal revelations.

But our willingness to take a risk is also a gift we can give to others, because it becomes a silent invitation for them to do the same, which establishes a mutual give and take.

Intimacy begets intimacy.

During times when we are brave enough to reveal our authentic selves, there’s often a moment’s hesitancy beforehand and a silent wish that the recipients will be gentle with us and will not judge us for our quirks. If others are supportive, and we feel safe, something transformative happens.

We begin to feel that they are responding to our true essence.

Trust is established, along with the realization that we have begun to forge a valuable connection, a rare and precious commodity.

At its best, establishing a deep, human bond with someone yields a joyful feeling which is hard to describe It’s a type of euphoria different from, but akin to, the feeling of falling in love, and I suspect it kicks in many of the same endorphins in our brains. It’s mutual regard…the basis for true emotional intimacy. The kind that leaves you smiling, and thinking about the interaction for the rest of the day.

How often are you aware of a longing to be truly seen and heard? Is it a frequent feeling, or is it largely buried?

If you do have a desire to foster deeper connections with others, what’s holding you back?

Which side of the equation is harder for you? Do you find it difficult to make yourself vulnerable with others? Or do you feel too overloaded or overwhelmed to take the time to see and hear those around you in a deeper, more meaningful way?

If you’re looking for more intimacy in your life, you might have to “go first,” a technique my friend Ellen suggests as an antidote for a variety of relationship woes. Be the first to reveal something more personal about yourself to a casual friend with whom you desire more closeness, and see what happens.

Not everyone wants more intimacy, or even has the capacity for it, so if you sense discomfort, don’t press. Try not to be offended if a friend backs out of the conversation…or the room! It’s not easy to be rebuffed, however subtle the indication is. Lick your wounds, if need be, but then give yourself credit for making a “bid,” as psychologists call it. When you’re ready, try again with someone else. It’s perfectly fine to have relationships of varying depths, and in fact is one of the joys of having multiple friendships.

If you have more work to do in terms of truly seeing others, you can start by simply becoming more aware of your interactions with people in your everyday life. Take a moment to focus on someone, to truly see them, not just in their roles of spouse, child, parent, or friend, but as unique individuals. Take a “good look” at them, as my friend Terri did with me, and let them know that you see them. Offer them some of your time, and listen with no agenda other than to hear what they have to say.

Being fully present with the people with whom you interact is the most beautiful gift you can give them. Watch what happens when you offer someone else the joy of being seen.

Affectionately,

Elaine