Showing Compassion to our Shadow Selves

Photo by Rahmani Kresna on Unsplash

“When we discover that the truth is already in us, we are all at once our original selves.”
~ Dogen

One of the reasons I’m such a proponent of psychotherapy is because the results are often so long lasting. The skills we learn and practice in our therapists’ offices are applicable in the real world going forward. Some of what professionals offer us—empathy, unconditional positive regard, etc.—we can give to ourselves long after we’ve discontinued our weekly sessions.

One example has to do with permission. As children, there are so many things we are not allowed to do. When our parents restrict us, typically it is in order to keep us safe, but also to help us navigate the world and to have successful relationships. There’s a whole host of family directives we must learn by the time we’re young adults. Eventually we adopt the rules for ourselves and live by them as best we can, often without taking the time to evaluate whether they make sense for us as individuals. If you had authoritarian parents, the rules were the rules, and no deviations were allowed.  

Often when we’re having trouble making a decision, it’s because one part of our self is adhering to some strict rule we’ve internalized that we may or may not be aware of.

Therapists sometimes call the parts of our personalities we don’t want to admit to having, our “Shadow Selves.” As opposed to the sunny side we usually present to the world, a shadow self represents the darker, unseen side of us which holds more of our negative emotions. For more on this fascinating topic, check out this in-depth guide which includes exercises for gaining more awareness about our darker side.

In a prior post on self-talk, I wrote about an internal critic that evaluates everything we do and finds most of our actions wanting. “The Enforcer,” as some call it, is an example of a shadow self. Too many harsh admonishments by our Enforcer can make us feel like we can’t ever do anything right. When we’re trying to make decisions, we can get hung up when the Enforcer has a restriction about something we want to do, especially if it involves fun or risk.

Therapists can often take the pressure off by giving us permission to evaluate and challenge our adopted set of rules. In the early stages of our moral development, things appear to be quite black and white. The older we get, the more we understand the complexities of life and the need to have exceptions to the rules. Our life philosophies should evolve to reflect this awareness, but sometimes we get stuck in an earlier stage of moral development. We continue to be constrained in ways that cause us problems.

Therapists can help by introducing choices and possibilities where we do not see them, and suggesting that we let go that which is not serving us well.

Therapy certainly helped me to loosen my grip on “the rules.” I never thought of myself as judgmental, but now looking back I can admit that I was. Without realizing it, I had internalized so many rigid mandates, mostly from my mother (who had gotten them from her mother) but also from the nuns who taught me in elementary school. In my head, at least, I applied them to other people as well. I wasn’t the type to voice many of my judgments, but they were there, and I’m sure they colored my relationships. We can’t be openhearted with people when we’re constantly evaluating them.

Once I learned to have more self-compassion, I was able to extend it to others as well. Psychotherapist Richard Schwartz, author of Internal Family Systems Therapy, asserts that each of us has a central core he calls the Self. He says the Self has the ability to reach out to the different parts that have developed in us over time and to engage them to see what they need.

As we learn to view our parts through the lens of understanding, we can lessen their stronghold on us and help them integrate more into our core self.

In his article “Facing our Dark Side: Some Forms of Self-Compassion are Harder Than Others,” Schwartz shares a technique he developed to address these types of issues. Even if you’ve never been to therapy, you can try out his process, which he uses with his clients, to get to know the darker parts of yourself.

Here are the steps:

1. Pay attention to the source of sensations within your body that indicate you are at odds with yourself.

2. Identify the source of disturbing thoughts and feelings: "the Enforcer” who is beating you up, for example.

3. Get to know that critical part. Ask it what it needs. Commune with that scared, young part of you that gave rise to it, and offer it safety, security, and solace.

4. Thank it for the protective role it has been playing, and then think about whether there’s another way to keep yourself on track without the punishing internal criticism.

5. Give that critical voice permission to back down, reassuring it that you’ve heard its message.

Once we learn this process, we can look at any other problematic or overly intense shadow selves (our hostile or angry selves, our jealous selves) to see what they need so they don’t take up too much space. Offering them compassion is the key. Very often, we will find that, as adults, we no longer need their protection, and we can release them.

Affectionately,

Elaine