To Love Better, Take a Pause

Photo by Danilo Alvesd on Unsplash

“You are always in our minds, our hearts, and our prayers.”
~ William E. Luddy, Jr.

Whenever I jokingly make fun of my hubby, he often responds with “Ouch! I feel the love…”

But this week I’ve been “feeling the love” in earnest after all the birthday emails, cards, and gifts I received. Thank you!

To avoid the crush of holiday travel surrounding December 25th, for the last several years we’ve been visiting the kids and grandkids in California during my birthday week. It’s such a special time of year, with all the sights and sounds of the Season. Seeing it through the eyes of the little ones allows us to remember our childlike wonder and makes it all the more magical.

In addition to feeling well loved, we’re feeling well hugged, too. Much to our delight, our young ones are at the stage where they come charging across the room when they see us. When they leap into our arms, nearly knocking us over, it reminds me of an expression my therapist offered years ago. “Kids give love for free.” That line has always stuck with me.

As adults, much as we enjoy the holiday traditions, we find it a little harder to love “for free,” don’t we? Especially with those whom we don’t find especially lovable. Even as we are determined to make the best of our work, group, or family gatherings at this time of year, they can increase our anxiety and put a damper on our holiday spirit.

How we can we learn to love each other as little children do?

When I asked myself that question, First Corinthians came to mind. In perhaps the most famous of all the letters Paul wrote to the early Christians, the apostle explained it this way:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (Eastern Standard Version)

We’ve heard this verse so often—typically at weddings—that it’s easy to overlook the significance of the words.

Paul gives us pretty straightforward advice about what to do, but also what not to do when relating with others:

He asks us TO BE patient, kind, truthful, resilient, faith-filled, hopeful, and to endure and persevere.

He asks us NOT TO BE envious, boastful, arrogant, rude, selfish, angry, resentful, and to reject wrongdoing.

Upon reading more closely, we see that Paul breaks down for us how to take the feeling of affection we have for others in our hearts and apply it more consistently in our actions. He appeals to our better nature.

Paul’s instructions make perfect sense, or would, if we ourselves were perfect. And yet on a day-to-day basis, we are impatient. We are unkind. We yell at our spouses and our kids. We cut in line. We are envious, boastful, arrogant, and rude. We are irritable and resentful. We engage in mean-spirited gossip about our friends and relatives.

And then, later, we beat ourselves up about our untoward behaviors. Once we have calmed down, we are ashamed. We want to know how to break out of this pattern—to learn to control ourselves in the moment so we don’t continue to hurt others.

We ask each other, “How can we stop ourselves from having those terrible reactions?”

To a greater or lesser degree, we are all reactive by nature. Emotions—which start in our bodies—give us important information about our environment, which we then need to evaluate. I’ve mentioned often in previous posts that our goal should not be to deny our reactions, but to take a pause and see what they are trying to tell us. Then we can decide how to respond most appropriately.  

When others push our buttons, it’s the pause that most of us are forgetting.

My dad died in 1996, and I miss him most acutely at this time of year. He signed every greeting card he ever wrote to us with the words I used as the opening quote for this post. Today I’m seeing his words as a blueprint for our dilemma—our minds, our hearts, and our prayers are tools that can help us use the pause most effectively:

Our minds. As humans, we are blessed with what psychologists call the executive function of our brains to help us deal with our emotions in a healthy way. It’s the part that makes decisions for us, many in a split-second. We have the ability to adjust our thoughts for a better perspective, which can calm our bodies. Often all that’s required is to remember to give others who have upset us the benefit of the doubt. That one concept can reduce our anger and irritation at them and allow us to change our responses.

Our hearts. Most of us have a deeper need for affection and closeness than we realize. It rises to the surface more at this time of year with song lyrics and Hallmark movies reminding us about love at every turn. Unfortunately, our knee-jerk actions often belie that desire, and can cause others to back away from us rather than to approach. Just as we can use our minds to change our perspective, we can search our hearts to find the kindness necessary to keep ourselves from lashing out at others, allowing more love to come our way.

Our prayers. We learned as little children that prayers involve asking God for a want or a need. But a prayer can also be an expression of a wish. A desire for something in our lives to be better. And sometimes what we need to be better is us! Even if you don’t believe in God or a higher power, you can still set an intention to learn to love others from a place of openheartedness. To listen to someone, or let them go first. To extend a smile or a warm embrace.

It’s not enough to want to be patient and kind. We need to figure out how to actually display patience and kindness.

If we truly want to love as Paul advised us almost 2,000 years ago, we need to take a moment every time we start to feel riled up. We can call upon our spirituality—however we define it—to help us re-align our actions with our intentions.

Unconditional love is a truly incredible gift, but as adults it’s often difficult to extend that gift to others, especially when we are upset. It takes a lot of practice.

This week when you find yourself getting frustrated about your less-than-loving responses, try to be patient with yourself. As we so often encourage our grandkids when they falter, “We’re all still learning.”

Merry Christmas!

Affectionately,

Elaine