When Words Seem Inadequate

Photo by Doug Mitchell

“The miracle of your existence calls for celebration every day.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

My heart has been hurting since Sunday morning when I learned that one of my young cousins, Mary, who has been battling a recurrence of cancer for years, had passed. It came as a shock, since she’s beaten the odds so many times.

There are many benefits to belonging to a large, extended family as I do (on both sides), but one of the downsides is that it’s impossible to know everyone well. When he heard the news, one of my brothers commented that he wished he’d known Mary better. I found myself feeling the same way. I’d met her multiple times, attended her wedding, and saw her at our family reunion in August, but I never had a deep or lengthy conversation with her. We were always in the presence of a crowd. Still, I followed her story closely on Facebook and could tell that she was the light of her family’s life. As one of her eight siblings wrote about her:

“She truly believed in her favorite mantra - ‘Life is Good,’ and lived it every day, enduring countless treatments to have just one more day with the people that she loved, and showing us all how to live a life of faith, hope, and love. We live for the day we will see her again in God’s kingdom.”

Having undergone so much chemotherapy, Mary knew well the discomforts of it. A few years ago she started a project to create care bags for others undergoing the treatment, filling the totes with comfort items to help patients get through their chemo days. Despite her own challenges, she found a way to give to others in a meaningful way.

The same day she passed, I attended a visitation for a friend’s father-in-law. I didn’t know him, but learned from reading his obituary what an extraordinary man he was. After serving in the Army, he went on to live a life of service. He had leadership roles in so many local institutions, he won an award for distinguished public service. He served in numerous capacities in the Catholic churches he attended throughout his life as well. No matter what group or venue he was in, he was the “go-to” guy for things that needed to be done.

Just as I was writing this post, I learned of the death of a doctor who played a life-saving role in the lives of two of our nephews. Dr. Julian De Lia developed a pioneering laser surgery treatment for Twin-to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, a rare pregnancy condition affecting multiples, which saved the lives of hundreds of babies. A warm and loving man, he developed close relationships with each of those families. We had the chance to meet him at our nephews’ baptism, as he served as their godfather.

Three extraordinary people, all gone too soon.

It just seems so unfair, especially in the case of my young cousin, whose first bout with cancer started in her early twenties. She displayed extraordinary courage throughout her life, and yet in every photo that’s been shared of her this past weekend, she has an enormous smile.

I’ve written about grief before, and how the earliest stage after we hear the devastating news is simply about trying to get through the day. For those closest to the one who has died, it can be hard to imagine they’ll ever be okay again. As time passes, and they begin to re-engage with people and activities, they often start to look for meaning to help them understand the loss, but it’s difficult to find answers that satisfy.

If there is a lesson in loss, I think it’s the shocking reminder about how precious each day is.

And how precious each of us is.

Death reminds us that in our daily lives, without realizing it, we touch so many others.

I’m grateful for the way these three individuals have touched my life, however briefly, and the lives of those who are mourning them.

I’m feeling for my relatives and friends this week as they are beginning the process of healing. Grief is a very private journey. It’s just so big. Words seem inadequate, and the fear that we’ll say the wrong thing is great, yet we know our loved ones need our comfort and support.

I have found the suggestions in these articles helpful in terms of knowing what helps and what doesn’t in the early days of trying to comfort those who are grieving:

How to Speak to Someone About an Unspeakable Loss

When Someone You Love is Grieving: How to Really Help

To my family and friends who are hurting today, know that I’m holding you close to my heart.

May your faith and your happy memories of the one you’ve lost sustain you as you celebrate their life.

Affectionately,

Elaine