“Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone.”
~TinyBuddha.com

Did you watch any of the 9/11 coverage this past weekend?

I watched very little news at the time of the event 20 years ago. I simply couldn’t handle it. This year I decided to watch a few of the tributes to learn more about the day and about the individuals who decided to speak about their experiences.

The stories were sad and moving, yet I was struck by the positive attitudes of some of the survivors. They appeared to have found a kind of calm, quiet acceptance. For many it seemed to be paired with the desire to help others who were affected in some way. They were lobbying their legislators to ensure more consistent healthcare for other survivors, creating museums and national memorials to educate people about the terrorist attacks, and establishing a national day of service on 9/11 to promote kindness and unity as an antidote to the hate that gave rise to the attacks.

Many of us are driven by a need to find or create a sense of meaning in our lives during ordinary times. This need often increases after we lose someone important to us. We attempt to make sense of it, fill in the gap their loss creates in our lives, and find some new way to define ourselves as we try to move forward.

The earliest stages of grief involve coping. Simply getting through the day is a challenge. Many describe it as being in a fog or underwater. In those first few weeks, it’s hard to imagine we’ll ever feel okay again. But at some point, we feel the need to resume our lives. We know we can’t go back, so the best we can do is work to restore some kind of equilibrium.

This is often when the search for meaning begins, as we re-engage with the people in our lives and resume at least some of our activities.

As we try to understand what happened, many of us begin to look for the positives, and strive to develop a new narrative that allows us to carry on without our friend or family member. This post-traumtic growth can lead to better resilience, more awareness about our short time here on earth, and increased empathy for others.

By contrast, those who struggle to adapt their philosophy to incorporate what has happened can remain lost and confused, unable to find anything that transcends their pain. A limited emotional capacity to live with the sorrow of not knowing why a death happened can keep people stuck in disbelief, fixated on the unfairness of it all. This complicated grief, as psychologists call it, is more typical early after a loss, and in very close relationships. If this describes your current state, know that grief therapy and participation in grief groups can help you process these feelings.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the five stages of grief, first formulated by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Subsequent grief literature has focused on a sixth stage, which is about finding meaning.

Grief experts have learned that what helps the most to lessen the severity of the pain after a loss is to make a conscious choice to focus on what you can control.

This involves starting to take some kind of meaningful action in your present life, which may eventually lead to a new type of purpose and/or new life goals. For some, that may involve helping others who have experienced loss, as some of the 9/11 survivors have done. Others find their purpose in honoring their beloveds by carrying on their work or creating charitable foundations in their name.

Here are some thoughts that may guide you in understanding meaning, excerpted from this Psychotherapy Networker article:

·      Meaning is relative and personal.

·      Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss.

·      Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning.

·      Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost.

·      Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.

·      Only you can find your own meaning.

·      Meaningful connections will help you heal painful memories. 

One of the most difficult aspects of losing someone is missing the role they played in our lives. Everyone brings out a different side of us—playful, sarcastic, naughty, silly. In addition to missing them, we miss who we were when we were with them.

Difficult as it is to imagine at first, the relationship with our loved one continues to morph over time as we strive to keep them alive in our memories, but also to work through our troubles with them, even in their absence.

Stories about them from family members and friends continue to help us grow in our understanding of who they were. Even years later, as we reach new stages of life, we can better appreciate the decisions the deceased made at our age. That can help us let go of some of our past hurts and appreciate them for the good they did in their time here. 

Many people talk to those they’ve lost. Friends tell us they feel their presence. Some see them reincarnated in nature as birds or butterflies. However we describe or define it, a belief that our loved ones still exist in some sense can bring us comfort and keep them alive in our hearts.

None of us can escape grief. No matter our spiritual philosophy, death reminds us how precious each day is.

If you are in mourning, here are some suggestions that may help you as you heal.

If you are helping a friend who is grieving, and are at a loss as to what to say or do, these ideas may help.

Whether your grief is personal or collective, may you find comfort in the days ahead.

Affectionately,

Elaine

Note: Some of the information in this post was summarized from this in-depth journal article about grief counseling.