How Boundaries Help Us Navigate Relationships: Part III

Photo by Anna Bass

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
~ Brené Brown

In the last couple of weeks I’ve read two really helpful relationship books, and realized how well they pair together. This week I will talk about The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban. (If her name sounds familiar it’s because she is an entrepreneur, YouTube star, and the author of the popular diet book The Whole30.) In my next post I’ll talk about Conscious Communication: How to Establish Healthy Relationships and Resolve Conflict Peacefully While Maintaining Independence by Miles Sherts.

In a prior post we looked at the importance of boundaries and how they’re established. We’ve also discussed how honest communication about boundaries can help promote harmony in our relationships.

Today we’re going to explore how to actually set boundaries, communicate them respectfully, and establish consequences for the times when others repeatedly ignore them.

At first glance it appears that we need to set boundaries mainly for our own benefit, but that’s not entirely true. The practice is really for both parties in a relationship.

When our friends and family members have to guess what we need, it’s more work for them, and they may get it wrong.

Those of us who refrain from honestly asserting what we need often do so because we don’t want to upset others. But the author of The Book of Boundaries points to the “Clear is kind” mantra she adopted from Brené Brown.

Rather than allowing others to be confused, making people feel secure and at ease about our needs is the loving thing to do.

As Urban says, “It’s not your job to guess my boundaries, it’s up to me to set and hold them.” It may take some time for us all to get used to being more direct, but in the end, people who “say what they mean and mean what they say” actually end up being easier for others.

In fact, Urban explains, sometimes drawing the line can even save relationships. When we don’t speak up, others may not even be aware that we are feeling overburdened by their neediness. Being honest with a friend may allow us to continue a friendship that has become too taxing.

While many of us may generally agree on the importance of boundaries, when it comes to actually setting them, it’s hard to know how to do it.

Thankfully, it’s a skill that can be learned. There are ways to have necessary but difficult conversations, even if being more assertive is not entirely comfortable at first.  

The Book of Boundaries is different than other books I’ve read on the topic because it gives specific scripts to use in various places and with different groups of people: at our workplaces, with family members, with friends and neighbors, in romantic relationships, with co-parents, and with ourselves. We can modify the language to sound more like us, but Urban provides us with a starting place at least.

The scripts are color-coded, with Green offering the gentlest way to set a boundary, Yellow providing a firmer way for those who need reminders, and Red being the most assertive way to enforce our limits, often with consequences. Here’s an example she shared in answer to one of her reader’s questions on how to deal with a new friend who otherwise seems great except she talks too much about herself:

GREEN: “I know so much about your job by now—can I tell you about mine? I have a few exciting things happening and I’d love to share them.”

YELLOW: “I feel like our conversations are very one-sided. It doesn’t feel great that you never ask about me or my life.”

RED: “I feel like our connection is missing something, so I’ll pass on hanging out again. See you at the gym.”

Urban says, “You can use the Green boundary to see if they can check themselves and realize they haven’t been a good conversation partner. If the conversation continues to stay one-sided, as awkward as it feels, you’re totally justified in not pursuing it.”

We can’t control the behavior of others, but we can control what we will do and who we will allow access to us.

Part of the reason for the levels of scripts is that it is difficult at first for others to accept our limits. People who are used to asking or even pressuring us to get what they want are not likely to be thrilled with us saying no. Some may agree in theory but genuinely forget about our request in subsequent interactions. This is understandable for a short period of time, and they may just need a few reminders. Others may actively resist or push back on us. (Thankfully, there’s a chapter on how to handle that, too.)

Finally, Urban covers the concept of setting and holding firm limits with ourselves. She names the chapter “Gift to Your Future Self,” which I love. She makes the point that although it’s harder to set consequences for yourself, once you learn to do so, you’ll be more productive, and your life will be much happier.

As far as how to spot areas where we need to impose self-boundaries, Urban advises us to look for pain points in our lives—our own behaviors that are causing us problems. She offers a personal example about her habit of checking the news just before going to bed, which her husband had brought to her attention. It was causing her to get overly wound up, which prevented her from sleeping, and made her tired and less productive the next day. In the chapter Urban offers solutions for addressing similar stress-inducing behaviors, and for creating new habits and goals that we can sustain. One is to preemptively block or automate things in a way that makes it more difficult for us to participate in tempting but unhealthy activities.

I’m sure I’ll revisit this topic from time to time in future posts because boundary-setting is such an important relationship skill—one that many of us still struggle with. Whether we’re talking about setting limits with ourselves or others, the goal is healthy, happy relationships that are free from anger, resentment, and anxiety. I’ve been working on being more forthright with others for a while, but after reading this book, I’m more motivated than ever to set the limits that will set me free.  

Where are your pain points in your life? Are you ready to take action to heal them?

Affectionately,

Elaine