“Do you love me because I’m beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?”
~ Oscar Hammerstein II

At our family reunion last month, I realized how many examples I have in my life of long-term marriages and relationships. The majority of my cousins are married, many for more than 30 years.

By all appearances, the couples are happy, and it was a joy to be with them. But of course all marriages go through challenges. At the very least, relationships ebb and flow. We have times when we feel especially close and connected to our spouses, and times when we feel more distant and alone.

Just as marriage is a choice, creating a loving long-term relationship is a choice.

As we were often told as kids about challenges we took on, “You get out of it what you put into it.”

When we’re young and in love, our expectations can be unrealistically high. Disney and Hallmark movies heavily influence our ideas of “happily ever after.” Those films rarely show anything beyond the initial spark and the first kiss. The reality of sustaining a lifelong relationship involves so much more.

The longer we’re in a relationship, the more tempting it can be to coast, assuming that everything is fine. But all relationships need to be tended to. Better to invest time and energy up front to ensure your marriage doesn’t erode while you’re not paying attention.

You often hear people say that marriage is work. I prefer the phrase “marriage requires effort.” Work sounds hard and tiring. Effort, which Merriam-Webster defines as “a vigorous or determined attempt,” sounds more positive, as if there’s a decision involved. And there is. We can actively decide together to give our relationship the necessary focus and attention it needs to keep it strong and healthy.

When my hubby and I bought our first house together, most of our neighbors were young couples just starting out. One of them had an annual “State of the Marriage” weekend where they explored many different aspects of their marriage, from finances to travel to planning for the next year. Together they made decisions about what was working and what they needed to fix. Their goal was to uncover: “What are we not getting from the marriage that we wish we could?” As I recall, they were long, emotionally exhausting weekends for them, but in the end, their relationship was always better for it.

Hard as it is to have difficult conversations with our spouses or partners, if we’re brave enough to do it, it can lead to a better understanding and restore the closeness that we crave.

In addition to doing the emotional work, it’s important to have fun together and to continue to court each other on a regular basis. Tell your partner what you love about them. Remember what made you fall in love in the first place, and find ways to bring that to mind. Look at old pictures, read old love notes, revisit places you went together where you had a good time. Anything that reminds you of the early days when you were over the moon for each other and couldn’t wait until the next time you could be together.

Even if you’ve reached a state of happy companionship, you can increase your intimacy by getting to know each other on a deeper level.

One of the best ways to fall in love again is to start fresh and relearn who your partner is right now. Get curious! You may be surprised at how fun it can be! When you’ve been together a long time, you’ve hopefully developed a level of trust. This allows you to ask questions that require you to open up and reveal more about your earlier life experiences.

Consider asking questions like: What was the scariest thing you ever went through? What has been the proudest moment of your life so far?

There are many websites like this one that offer ideas for couples to help them maintain intimacy. Some include lists of questions to ask each other so you can get to know each other better. Hint: they’re perfect for long car rides.

Mourning Doves often symbolize love, as they mate for life. “Pairs typically reconvene in the same area the following breeding season, and sometimes may remain together throughout the winter.” Some believe that the iridescent colors on display on their necks indicate their attraction to each other.

Like the doves, we can fall in love with our partners over and over again throughout the course of our marriage if we set our intention to do so.  

That heady feeling of lighting up whenever we see each other is a gift, not only to us but to friends and family members who get to experience our joy! 

Affectionately,

Elaine