Letting Go
Photo by Jenny Zumwalde
“Making a decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
~ Elizabeth Stone
Happy Belated Mother’s Day! I hope all of you who are involved in caregiving in any sense were able to take some time to celebrate your efforts.
My Mother’s Day was bittersweet. We spent the week with our daughter and her family, which is always a pleasure. But the purpose of this trip was to help them prepare for their move from Maryland to Arizona. It’s been in the works for a while, but the time has finally come.
Because our daughter has to start her new job first, she and our granddaughter left on Monday. (Her husband and son will follow once the school year is over.) Fortunately, his parents live out there, so they will have some support. I’m happy that the in-laws will get to enjoy the little ones while they’re still young.
I recognize that I’m not alone in my unease about them going. This is the time of year when many parents face transitions as their children move from one stage to the next. Some of the milestones are huge, with implications for both the kids and the parents. It’s emotional on many levels.
A dear friend’s son, who we’ve loved like our own since the day he was born, is graduating from college next week. Several great nieces and great nephews are finishing high school and middle school this month. Our two little grandsons are graduating from kindergarten in June.
As parents, we’re proud of our kids at every stage and we look forward to their next steps. We know we have to let go so they can forge their own paths; still, we can’t help being nostalgic for their younger years.
It’s cliché, but it’s true — the time we have with our kids at home goes way too fast.
For their part, most young people are anxious to get out and get away. They want to figure things out on their own and make their mark on the world. They can’t possibly understand the heartbreak we go through at each of these stages of their development.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve made some progress in being able to deal with the transitions. I’m getting better at “rolling with the punches,” as my dad used to say.
We can fight the obstacles life throws in our paths, kicking and screaming along the way, or we can accept that life is unfolding as it should.
If we’re lucky, our adult children stay close or move back at some point and we get to see them with some frequency. If not, we have to put in a little more effort to maintain the closeness, but it’s so worth it.
My son suggested we all try using Marco Polo, an iPhone app that allows you to record quick messages (essentially video texts) that the receiver can view and respond to at any time (with their own video). Because it’s not live chatting, it will be especially helpful given the three-hour time difference with our kids. I’ve only done it a few times, but already I can see its advantages. It’s quicker than texting, and it’s much more personal.
Hard as it is to say goodbye when adult children move away (or farther away), we know that new adventures await, for them and for us. We’ve had a blast exploring the cities of Southern California — Los Angeles, Burbank, Pasadena, and Santa Clarita — with our son and his family. We’ve gone to the beaches and the mountains, to theme parks and botanical gardens, to a presidential library and the zoo.
Similarly, we’re looking forward to exploring Tucson, Phoenix, Flagstaff, and Sedona with our daughter and her family. Happily, we got a small preview last week while watching Aerial Arizona on the Smithsonian channel. The landscape is just breathtaking.
I’m proud of my kids for being brave enough to venture away from home to see what else is out there.
I’m proud of myself, too, for making it easy for them to go.
Our job has been to teach our kids the skills they need to make their dreams come true.
Moving forward, our job is to trust them to make that happen.
Affectionately,
Elaine