Changing Our Relationship with Worry
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“If you can laugh at yourself, you’re going to be fine. If you can allow others to laugh with you, you’re going to be great.”
~ Martin Niemöller
Some time ago I mentioned a book called The Worry Trick by clinical psychologist David A. Carbonell. It’s been a busy month, but I finally picked it up again and finished reading it yesterday. Although I have studied anxiety quite a bit over the years, I’m always interested in learning more. I found a few of the author’s suggestions intriguing and thought I’d share them with you.
Clearly, it’s a topic I think about a lot, as evidenced by the number of my own posts (18, but who’s counting?) I have tagged with the word “worry.”
I guess Richard Bach was right when he said, “We teach best what we most need to learn.”
Much as I hate it, I can be a worrier at times.
How about you?
The bulk of my “worry” posts were written during the early Covid years when we were ALL scared about our own health and the health of our loved ones. I debated about writing yet another one, but I’ve found that Carbonell, a practicing therapist, has taken a different and perhaps more promising approach.
So, here we go again!
In the foreword to The Worry Trick, psychologist Sally Winston points out that although chronic worry has been studied for years, and many different theories have been postulated with the hope they would lead to effective treatments, none of them have worked particularly well. Since she started using Dr. Carbonell’s techniques with her own patients, however, she has seen better results.
In the book, Dr. Carbonell’s central idea is that by understanding that our concerns are just thoughts, albeit often exaggerated or repetitive ones, we can choose not to engage with them.
He calls this “changing our relationship with worry.”
The subtitle of the book is “How Your Brain Tricks You into Expecting the Worst and What You Can Do About It.” Some of the most helpful techniques Carbonell offers arise from the idea that our brain creates worry.
Because our fears are so upsetting, most of us try to push back or argue against the thoughts, which only gives them more power.
He talks about the “what ifs”– all those nagging fears about things that are not likely to happen, but could. Unfortunately, we can’t convince ourselves that a potential scary event won’t happen, because no one actually knows what the future holds. But living in the “what ifs,” with elevated stress hormones, etc., is sure to keep us from enjoying all the wonderful present moments of our lives.
Fortunately, this cycle can be broken, although it takes practice. Carbonell’s “trick” is this: When we experience worry, our brains typically react to the event as if we were in actual danger, which is why our stress hormones get triggered. Instead, he suggests we recognize that we are having a nervous thought. Our awareness that we are not in true, current danger can reduce the power of the disturbing thought to disrupt our lives. We can work to develop this awareness by:
Sharing our condition with others. The shame about being a worrier can actually make the condition worse. Since we know some of our thoughts sound crazy when we say them out loud, we avoid telling others about our concerns. Sharing them can help us realize how irrational many of them are, or at the very least engender compassion from others, which can be calming. For example, when we’re tempted to skip a party due to anxiety, we can talk to the host about our specific fears and make a plan to help us feel more comfortable. This also keeps us from becoming so isolated.
Examining our beliefs. Paying attention to the things we tell ourselves about our worrying and why we do it can be really effective. This was the most enlightening section of the book for me. Without knowing it, many of us have subconscious beliefs about the importance of worry: we think all of our thoughts are important and under our control, or should be. But we have evidence that it’s not true, as when we get a song stuck in our head. Sometimes thoughts just happen. Also, we may think worrying shows concern for others, even though it can’t actually keep them safe. It’s our false belief that is the issue, and where we need to do the work.
Using humor. We know at least some of our worries are ridiculous, and yet those distressing thoughts persist. If we exaggerate them to the point where they seem comical, even to us, it can help us relax. For example, if you’re behind at work and worry that your manager will find out that you aren’t keeping up, try imagining this classic scene from I Love Lucy that a friend texted me yesterday.
In previous posts, I’ve mentioned several techniques that can help calm us:
Retrain Your Brain to Manage Your Fears
I’m always grateful to have new tools to add to my emotional toolbox for managing my anxiety. I’m going to try some of Carbonell’s tips mentioned above so I can experience even more fun in my life.
The first step for me is revealing more about my struggle with worry, as I’ve done here.
I’m also taking a hard look at myself to uncover my false beliefs. For example, so many things are beyond our control, no matter how much we would like to think otherwise. Disappointments will happen. Imagining the worst so we can prepare for every eventuality is not only exhausting but also futile.
It turns out that our friends who use self-deprecating humor are on the right track. I’ll be turning to some of mine to help me learn how to laugh at myself more often. Feel free to join in.
Affectionately,
Elaine
p.s. As a reminder, you can search my blog for posts on any topic (as I did with “worry”) using the magnifying glass at the top right of any page on The Authentic Lane.