Put Yourself in Their Place
Photo by Sue Ivy. Tulips symbolize the offering of an apology.
“A meaningful apology is one that communicates three R's: regret, responsibility, and remedy.”
~ Beverly Engel, The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships
We’ve been talking about the need to work through our hurt and grief in order to come to the place where we can forgive someone. But what about when we’re the ones who need to ask for forgiveness?
A genuine apology can de-escalate a conflict, making our loved ones feel heard and respected.
As I mentioned in last week’s post, it can be difficult to continue forward with a relationship if one party doesn’t acknowledge their offense and apologize. The article “How to Apologize” offers a clear explanation of why we should apologize, and the impact of not doing so.
As hard as it is to wait for an apology, it can be equally challenging to offer one.
When it comes to personal growth, often we use the phrase “The first step is awareness.” This is decidedly true when we’ve hurt someone through our words or actions. It’s far too easy to reject the notion that we’ve messed up, and push it out of our awareness. If you have very strong defenses, this can happen so fast that you may not even realize it.
If people frequently accuse you of hurting them and you are not able to take that in as truth, you may have some soul searching to do.
Of course it’s possible that the accuser may be in the wrong on any specific occasion. But if you see a relationship pattern where you’re the one who typically denies all wrongdoing, it may be something to take a look at. Some people are not able to accept their mistakes in the heat of the moment, but are able to look at things more objectively once they’ve had time to cool off. My feeling is that it’s better late than never!
When we act defensively to protect our ego, we are making the situation about us rather than the person who’s been hurt. The same goes for when we make excuses for ourselves or turn the conversation around to what they’ve done. “Victim shaming” occurs when we can’t deal with the shame we feel, so rather than accept responsibility, we project it onto the other person. It’s an especially damaging practice because it involves both invalidating their experience of being hurt and kicking them when they’re down.
If, after reflecting on your behavior, you know you hurt someone and have a genuine desire to make things right, remember to keep the focus on the other person.
This means you’ll need to set your own feelings aside for the moment so that you can put yourself in their place. Even if both parties have contributed to an argument or dispute, it’s important to separate out the part that you need to apologize for. Keep the focus on what you did and let them be responsible for their part.
Once you’ve accepted the fact that you’ve offended someone, it’s time to muster up the courage and take the appropriate steps to make amends.
Begin by asking them if you can talk to them. At this point, you’ll probably be anxious to get it over with, but be forewarned that they may not be ready to talk to you yet, even to hear an apology. If they decline, you’ll have to be patient.
It’s surprising how scary it can be to take that first step to reach out. It takes courage to own up to a mistake. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, and reminds us of the shame we felt when we got in trouble as kids and were made to apologize. Most us were trained to say “I’m sorry” when we hit a sibling or broke something that was important to them. But that’s as far as it went. For adults, there are a few more important steps involved in making a complete apology, as outlined in “The 9 Rules for Making a True Apology.”
Even though it’s clear your friend or loved one is mad or hurt, you may still not know the full extent of what they’re feeling. As part of your apology, be sure to ask follow-up questions to make sure you understand their entire experience of the event. By truly listening to their answers, you let them know that you value the relationship and care deeply about their feelings. As we’ve talked about in the past, feeling heard and having your concerns validated diffuses strong emotions, so be sure to offer that gift to them.
The warmth you’ll both feel once the tension has lifted (after you’ve apologized and the apology has been accepted) will be such a balm for the relationship. Hopefully that will happen very quickly after the exchange, although it may take some time for the wounded party to truly feel better. Be patient with them. Even if they don’t say so, they are likely to be very appreciative that you have made yourself vulnerable with them so that the relationship can be repaired.
When all is forgiven, try to remember this happy moment so you’ll be less hesitant to apologize the next time you need to.
It takes a level of humility to acknowledge wrongdoings and offer appropriate apologies when they’re warranted. Your willingness to do so will not go unnoticed by others.
Affectionately,
Elaine