Recognizing Projection in Ourselves and Others
Photo by Anna Bass. Twin Lakes State Park, Virginia.
“Defensive behavior is a barrier to communication.”
~ Gary Chapman
When I became a psychology major in college, one of my favorite areas of study was personality theory. I’ve always been fascinated with why we are the way we are, and what contributes to the development of our unique traits.
I especially enjoyed learning about defense mechanisms because they seem to explain so many confusing aspects of our personalities. Defense mechanisms are protective coping strategies that help us manage difficult emotions by avoiding them. We all use them at times to shield ourselves from unpleasant thoughts, especially about our own undesirable qualities or traits. Most of the time we’re not even aware that we’re doing it, although our actions are often obvious to others. When our subconscious minds sense potential danger (emotional harm), our defenses react to protect us.
Defense mechanisms can help us face anxieties and situations that might normally cause us stress. Many of the terms associated with them have made their way into our everyday conversation. We refer to adults as being in denial or compartmentalizing or rationalizing. We talk about children regressing. We accept these cognitive quirks as a matter of course. This Healthline.com article describes 10 common defense mechanisms and discusses treatment for unhealthy ones.
Most often our use of defenses is temporary. They are designed to protect our wounded psyches for a period of time until we’re better able to handle things.
It’s when we overuse these coping strategies that we encounter problems, because doing so can prevent us from facing issues or events that would be better dealt with head on.
It can also prevent us from showing up as our authentic selves, and wreak havoc on our relationships. If we are always defensive, we can’t be vulnerable, and vulnerability is a key component of intimacy.
One of the more difficult defense mechanisms to understand, at least for me, is projection. It comes into play when we’re uncomfortable with certain thoughts and feelings, so we misattribute them to another person. It’s as if we shed them from ourselves by throwing them at someone else, hoping they’ll “stick” to them.
It’s always seemed so strange to me that when we are ashamed of some of our own behaviors we blame someone else for them, but the subconscious mind is not always rational. Sometimes it plays tricks on us, albeit with good intention.
We can only tolerate so much uncomfortable emotion before we get overwhelmed, so our mind tries to prevent us from getting to that point.
The article that brought this topic to my attention this week is this Daily OM one. In it, the author refers to projections as “reversed perceptions.” That struck me as a very clear way to describe them. So, what do these reversed perceptions look like? Here are some examples:
A friend being overly concerned about your health when their health is actually compromised.
A spouse calling their partner a spender when they have trouble controlling their own spending impulses.
A relative giving you nutritional advice when they are struggling with overeating.
A partner withholding information because they’re afraid you’ll get mad, even though they’re the one who typically displays anger.
A sister who expresses concern about how you are feeling when she is not doing well emotionally and needs attention.
A mom telling her child to put a sweater on when she is cold.
“When we are the target of projections, it can be confusing and frustrating, not to mention maddening, particularly when we know that we are not the cause of another person’s distress,” says the author of the Daily OM article.
So, how can we handle it when others project onto us? The advice I offered in these two previous posts for handling difficult people may be helpful:
7 Tips for Developing Compassion for Difficult People
Protecting Yourself From Difficult People
Conversely, how do we make sure we don’t do it to others? The Daily OM article suggests that “when we take ownership of thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings, we are less likely to project our issues or disowned qualities onto others.” Of course, this is not easy to do if we’re not aware we’re projecting.
Listening to others when they are frustrated with us can clue us in to the ways in which our coping strategies are adversely affecting our relationships or our jobs.
If people are frequently telling you that you’re blaming them or accusing them of doing things they’re not doing, you may be unconsciously reversing your perceptions. A trained therapist can help you get to the root of your behavior and help you deal with any unresolved shame or guilt from earlier events in your life that may be preventing you from having close relationships.
If you’re curious and want to know more about this topic, this Psychology Today article does a deep dive about it.
Affectionately,
Elaine