Understanding the Need to Please
Photo by Jeffrey Hamilton on Unsplash.
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
~ Paulo Coelho
Last week I was sitting on my front porch talking on the phone when two deer wandered into view. Periodically groups of deer visit our back yard and on occasion they cut between the houses and cross our street, continuing their trek.
When these two spotted me, they stopped and stared for a few moments while I greeted them, and then just as quickly, they sped off. One was a very small fawn with white spots, and the other was likely its mom. It’s always such a moving experience to be in communion with wild animals, if only briefly.
Coincidentally, the next day a friend asked me if I was familiar with a psychological concept her therapist had shared with her: a behavior called “fawning.” I told her I wasn’t, and she went on to explain it.
Have you ever found yourself being overly nice to someone you don’t really like, and later wondered why?
Have you found yourself agreeing to do something for someone who makes you uncomfortable?
Perhaps you chalk these accommodations up to just being a nice person, or think of them as people pleasing tendencies. But if they occur frequently and are upsetting, they may be evidence of something else.
Many people have heard of our “fight or flight” reactions during traumatic situations. Less well known is a third reaction called “freeze,” where we find ourselves completely unable to react. A fourth reaction, “fawning,” has been coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker.
Each of these survival strategies represent the body’s efforts to keep us safe from harm during times of perceived danger.
The fight and flight responses are fairly easy to understand. When faced with an attacker, we can either try to overpower them (an anger response) or flee to get away (a fear response). Often, we don’t have a conscious thought about which to do—in our initial shock, our bodies just start moving.
The freeze response is more difficult to understand because at first glance, it doesn’t seem like it would protect us. Becoming paralyzed (unable to respond) is our body’s way of making us feel invisible as when deer freeze in our presence in an attempt to blend into the surrounding scenery.
Fawning behavior is more complex, but can be thought of as being overly helpful or solicitous in order to appease a threat—to “tend and befriend,” as some people phrase it. Many of us have succumbed to pressure by narcissists or overly aggressive personalities and done things for them that we didn’t want to. This “pleasing” behavior on our part is our psyche’s attempt to disarm them in order to avoid or reduce conflict.
A common experience is that after doing so, people are confused by their own behavior, which seems contrary to their desires.
They struggle with guilt and regret at the loss of their personal agency during the time when they felt threatened. They can’t answer their own questions about why they did it or what they were thinking. Even when they become aware that the behavior is not healthy, they can’t seem to stop it.
This is understandable, since fawning is a learned behavior that becomes triggered in specific circumstances. Often originating when we are very young, over time it becomes a part of our personality, albeit an unconscious one.
While it may seem akin to “just being nice,” it is fundamentally different.
If you find yourself giving inauthentic praise and compliments, saying yes when you really mean no, neglecting your own needs and boundaries, and being hypervigilant about others’ emotions much of the time, consider that your confusing response may be a reflexive coping mechanism you learned as a child.
In many cases it is related to having an overly strict or needy or narcissistic parent who tended to show intense emotion quite often, which can be frightening to young children.
Psychologists call trauma that recurs over a long period of time “complex trauma,” and it can lead to excessive triggering in adulthood.
While any one of the four responses we’ve discussed may be appropriate for a given situation, sometimes people get stuck in a particular habitual response even when it no longer serves a purpose. If you recognize fawning behavior in yourself, know that it is possible to diminish it and learn more effective responses (which often includes setting healthier boundaries).
A good place to begin is to start listening to your own voice and reminding yourself that your needs are important, too. Abandoning yourself or beating yourself up afterwards only perpetuates the feeling of unworthiness others may have engendered in you. You deserve better.
If your extreme people pleasing is causing you distress, seeing a therapist may help you uncover the origin of the behavior and glean insights that can lead to your recovery.
In the meantime, it is important to give yourself a break while you’re learning new habits. It can take a very conscious effort over a long time to change our unhealthy behaviors, but it is doable. And well worth the effort.
Affectionately,
Elaine