Why Curiosity is the Newest Relationship Tool

Photo by Sue Ivy

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

~John Watson

Introductions are awkward. They make us feel vulnerable, and therefore are the times when we’re most apt to wear false faces with others. But I’m going to try really hard to be myself with you. If I can’t, how can I expect you to do the same?

When pondering how to introduce myself, I thought if I were on a dating site (which this happily married girl is not), I would tell you my sign.

I’m a Sagittarius. Even though I put more stock in science than astrology, the word cloud used to describe my sign on my refrigerator magnet is pretty close to what I aspire to be: enthusiastic, optimistic, generous, sincere, open and honest. It also says impulsive (nope), adventurous (sorry, not me), and desired by everyone (wow!), but those descriptors must be referring to people born on a different day in December. :)

I would describe myself as deep, passionate, and somewhat introverted, but only until I get to know you. Which I hope to do, quickly, through your comments!

Introductions aside, let’s jump right in to our first blog topic.

I find that the best way to get to know others is to be open-minded and nonjudgmental—to meet people where they are and learn about the experiences that have shaped them.

It sounds good in theory, but it’s not easy to do, right?

I’ve learned that one important and overlooked tool when it comes to relationships is curiosity.

My sister, a compassionate and sensitive nurse, has always had the same reaction when I’ve complained to her about someone behaving badly: “Hmmm, I wonder what’s going on with them?”

From her experience, she just knows that there’s probably something beneath the surface that’s causing them to be irritable, frustrated, or demanding. She spent years caring for hospital patients who simply weren’t feeling well, and she learned early on in nursing school not to take their brusqueness personally.

In our everyday lives, friends might be dealing with physical complaints as well. Or lack of sleep. Or concerns about a sick child. Or a late mortgage payment.

Since too many of us feel we have to wear our masks in order to be liked, we keep our circumstances to ourselves, hoping others won’t notice. (See “The 10 Masks We Wear” for more on this.) Sadly, because it takes effort to keep up appearances, unknowingly we are just adding to our stress, which is often more visible to others than it is to us.

My sister and my periodic stints in therapy (we’ll get to that in future posts) have taught me that being curious is the best stance to have if we truly want to understand people. It can lead to empathy, one of our most powerful and important emotions.

But it requires that we reserve judgment and give others the benefit of the doubt, which is tough to do when we feel slighted or miffed.

It’s so much easier to lash out or to distance ourselves (right?), and often we feel justified in doing so!

It takes some practice to be able to stay calm and be patient while we’re trying to sleuth out what might be going on with someone.

If we can avoid getting defensive and reacting badly in response to a prickly comment, and instead ask a few relevant questions, we might be able to help them drop their facades. And we just might gain valuable insight that would help us to be more compassionate toward them.

If they’re willing to share, their confession can lead to a feeling of concern in us (that “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry—I didn’t realize you were struggling with that” moment), which can change our response almost instantly from one of frustration to one of understanding and support.

Rather than getting into a cycle of anger, we can sometimes convert that negative interaction into a positive one, one that actually increases intimacy.

But that takes intent.

In order to calm ourselves in the moment, we have to keep the bigger picture in mind. We have to ask ourselves, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to improve the quality of this particular relationship?”

We can learn to pause for a moment before reacting, and decide to deescalate for the good of the relationship.

But like I said, it takes practice.

To start with, pay attention to when you begin to get upset. Just notice when it happens. And allow yourself to wonder, just for a moment, what might be going on with your co-worker, friend, relative, or partner.

Be curious.

This technique also works well for all the little things that drive us mad about people. If you find yourself wondering why your date insists on sitting in the front row of the theatre, for example, try asking. But do it from a curious stance rather than an irritated one. Maybe she’s an adrenaline junky and loves the feeling of almost being in the movie. Or maybe she has a visual impairment that she hasn’t yet revealed.

The answer may determine your reaction. If the proximity to the screen gives you sensory overload, the two of you may have to work out a compromise.

Since I’ve been using this tool, I’ve been amazed at the reasoning behind everyone’s little quirks. It’s fascinating to discover why we do the things we do!

Curiosity has the added benefit of showing interest in the other person, which makes them feel “seen.” We’ll talk more about that important topic in an upcoming post. And it might lead to some funny “Ahas!” as well, which can further serve to dissolve your frustration.

So try it, and let me know how it goes.

As for me, I’m curious about what brought you here and what you’re looking for from my blog.

Please use the comment field below to let me know. I promise to respond as often as I can.

Affectionately,

Elaine