A Different Kind of Resolution
Photo by Daniell Cerullo on Unsplash
“I get by with a little help from my friends.
Gonna try with a little help from my friends.”
~ Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and George Harrison
Happy 2022!
How are you doing with your New Year’s resolutions?
Are you working on losing weight, getting your finances in order, or writing a book? Here’s a list of the most common goals people have for the new year, and some suggestions for sticking to them.
Or are you someone who doesn’t believe in resolutions? That’s okay too.
The suggestions in the article above are good ones, no matter what time of year you use them: mentally prepare first, set goals that align with your values, know your limitations, break goals up into manageable tasks and write them down, share them and revisit them often.
But despite the prevalence of these early-January helpful hints that appear like clockwork, studies show that many of us still fail to develop healthy new habits (or break old, unhealthy ones) within a few weeks or months, despite our best efforts.
If you find yourself putting the same items back on your list year after year, perhaps it’s time to try something not often mentioned when it comes to goal setting: seeking (and accepting!) help.
Sometimes all we need is a little support, encouragement, and a gentle nudge to do what we want to do.
I stumbled upon all of the above last week, and so far, it’s working.
Much as I understand the value of it, I’ve never loved exercising. I do like to walk outside, mostly with friends, but only when the weather’s nice. I did some walking on our new treadmill in our garage in 2021. But I’m so psyched about my writing lately that I’ve done less exercising than in the past, and I know that’s not good for me.
The exercise I enjoy the most is Jazzercise, and I’ve taken in-person classes from time to time. Last week I saw an ad on Facebook for 50% off a dance class called “Body Groove” which looked intriguing. (I am late to the party for this 2019 craze, apparently.)
After watching a five-minute video sample led by a smiling teacher who looked like she was having a blast, I got up from my chair and started dancing along. The next day I saw the same ad and did it again. It motivated me to read the reviews and they were surprisingly positive.
I took the plunge and signed up for a streaming service for a year. I’m finding that it’s like having a teacher in my living room, available whenever I feel like “grooving.” There are different styles of dance (Latin, country, house party), and some additional offerings like yoga and meditation.
There are a few simple steps involved in the dances, but Body Groove instructors make a point of reminding students there’s no wrong way to do the movements. The emphasis is on having fun, being creative, and doing it your way. There are also subtle positive messages embedded in the music as well, with lyrics like “make a change.”
On occasion in the past I’ve put on some great dance music and have “sweated to the oldies” by myself, but having a class to look forward to, and hearing some encouraging words while I’m working out, has made all the difference for me. I look forward to firing up the Fire Stick (haha) in the morning now and shimmying and stomping for a bit.
It turns out I just needed someone to prompt me to get going.
One of the primary goals of most parents is to raise their children to be independent. We tell them: “Someday you’re going to have to be doing these things on your own.” As adults, many of us pride ourselves on being independent, and it’s generally a good thing.
But not asking for help becomes a badge of honor for some people, to their detriment.
We think that when we fall short of our goals, it’s because we’re simply not working hard enough. “Not so,” says my psychoanalyst friend Claudia Luiz, who frequently explains that “it’s not about trying harder.” There has to be something else that’s getting in the way, then, something we may be unaware of. Claudia outlines a 5-step plan for unlocking your unconscious so you can find out what it is.
Sometimes in order to do other types of growth, we have to do some emotional growth first.
I’ve shared before my own deep dive on why it can be difficult for me to accept help and what I learned from it. The legendary Greek philosopher Aristotle called us social animals; we are hardwired to depend on each other. Yet I know quite a few people who are loathe to ask for help. Maybe you’re one of them.
“Ultra-independence,” as this writer calls it, can develop as a coping mechanism. She suggests you ask yourself, “Why is it not okay for me to receive support?”
Some of us are simply not comfortable with it. Either we believe we’re imposing, or that it’s a sign of weakness. By doing a little digging yourself, you may find that’s in response to early trauma by parents who shamed you when you asked for help. Or to adults who for whatever reason didn’t show up for you when you needed them and so you simply learned not to depend on anyone else.
Even if you can’t recall anything in your history that makes it tough for you to ask for assistance, sometimes we just don’t think to reach out. Or even realize that there’s help out there for the specific goal we have in mind.
This week I learned how easy it is to make a change when we have the right kind of support from someone else (even if it’s virtual).
As we begin this fresh new year, if you’re thinking about setting some goals, ask yourself if it’s time to consider getting help. Imagine what that would look like. Do you need to work with a professional, such as a nutritionist or a financial advisor, or do you need an accountability partner? Do you need to find a life coach or take a class? Would an online subscription service or app provide enough structure?
If you feel drawn to any of those ideas, why not take a baby step in that direction? Many places are offering free samples this time of year.
It’s okay to turn to others when you need to.
Try it, and see if it helps you find your groove. It may just be the best resolution you can make this year.
Affectionately,
Elaine