Make Room for Love

Photo by Kawtar Cherkaoui on Unsplash

“The moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.”
~ Eckhart Tolle

Recently I was working in the garden with a friend who’s in her 80s. She said watching me move around so quickly and easily (well, relatively, anyway) made her remember the days when she could move like that. I told her that in truth my natural pace is probably more in the moderate range, but I was trained to work quickly.

My mom was a speed demon. No matter which chore we were doing, her constant refrains were “Get a move on. Speed it up. Double-time it.” When it was our turn after dinner, we had to “slap out the dishes.”

Mom had a very high natural level of energy, as does her entire family. Add to that eight children in the house, and I’m sure her pace increased even further over the course of her life to match the number of tasks to be accomplished on any given day.

My dad, on the other hand, was much slower moving. He was fond of saying he was “pacing himself.” To a youngster, it seemed an odd statement, but now I seem to practice it more and more every day. :)

My mom got frustrated at my Dad for not taking on more of the physical chores around the house. My dad, a deep thinker, grew weary of her (and us!) buzzing around him at breakneck speed.

But then, something interesting happened.

By the time Mom was in her late 90s, long after Dad had passed on, she had finally slowed down and was walking with a walker. One day my sister was walking slowly beside her. Mom commented that some of my siblings moved too fast for her, and she was grateful that someone was matching her pace. My sister smiled a knowing smile. After Mom had tried so hard to get her to speed up her whole life, finally, her speed was considered “just right.”

Oh, how life changes us.

It’s clear in my folks’ love letters from when they were dating that he calmed her, and she energized him. Apparently somewhere along the way they just forgot that they liked those qualities about each other. (But don’t get me wrong, they never forgot that they loved each other.)

How do we go from being crazy about our spouses to begin with to feeling like they drive us absolutely bonkers? We begin to pay more attention to their habits than their feelings, and decide they’re doing things wrong.

Especially when we get stressed, as most of us are now, it’s easy to imagine if our partners only did things our way, our lives would be fine. In reality, most of the time, it’s our thinking about our partner’s behaviors that causes most of our frustration.

Like the need for sleep, a difference in energy level is an example of a seemingly minor issue that can cause friction in a relationship, but only if we judge each other for it rather than see our differences as positive, counterbalancing forces.

Honestly, most personality differences don’t amount to a hill of beans, except in how we perceive them.

The maxim “Don’t sweat the small stuff” sounds good, except when it comes to relationships…where we do sweat them! And as we begin to focus on them, we can start to “lose that loving feeling,” as the song goes.

But how do we get beyond them?

One answer is perspective. We need to develop the habit of putting ourselves in other people’s shoes.

Let’s use the pacing issue as an example. If you’re a high-energy person, consider that a person who moves more slowly may be expending a great deal of energy on the inside just thinking. It might look like they are being lazy to you, because you’re judging them from what you see. My dad was an engineer, and his ability to dream and problem solve yielded him a good job that enabled him to support his large family. And, given some time, he could find a solution to almost any problem any of us had.

If your energy is in the lower range, rather than being irritated with the commotion around you, consider that those with high energy simply must expend that energy. From what I’ve observed, many of them don’t feel that they have a choice—their bodies demand it. And all the physical work they accomplish contributes greatly to the household.

In the healthiest relationships, each person allows the other to be who they are, without judgment.

Yes, this is an ideal, and I’m certainly not “there” yet myself. We’re all a work in progress. But if our highest relationship priority is our emotional connection with our loved ones, we can decide to at least work toward developing more patience with them.

How do we start?

First, it makes no sense to accuse someone of something they’re born with. Michael L. Jackson, a therapist who specializes in conflict resolution, suggests trying to get on the same page by having open conversations about your innate personality differences.

Then you can move to the next step, which is to try to figure out how to best meet the needs of each person.

Relationship expert Dr. Gottman encourages us to accept the fact that all couples have ongoing differences, and try to work through them with affection and humor.

My friend Bridget has a phrase I’m finding very helpful, at least in my self-talk, which is:

“I’ll allow it.”

It represents a mental shift, one which can temporarily interrupt our tendency to want to control others. It transfers the locus of the problem from them to us.

Although it’s hard to do at first, the peace and happiness that come from releasing yourself from the role of being in charge of others is hard to describe.

But it has to be genuine. Not in a bite-my-tongue-while-my-blood-pressure-rises kind of way, but in a true I-recognize-that-I-am-not-the-boss-of-you way. It involves developing a new attitude.

(Taking a few calming breaths doesn’t hurt either.)

For this week, try paying attention to when you get irritated with your partner or spouse and imagine what would happen if you just let it go.

Working toward accepting others just as they are is the absolute best gift we can give our loved ones.

It frees us to focus on all those fine qualities that drew us to them to begin with, and opens us up to the genuine love and admiration we feel for them.

Affectionately,

 Elaine