When There are No Words for Your Feelings
Photo by Priscilla du Preez on Unsplash
“The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world will be.”
~ Toni Collette
Have you ever had the following experience in the midst of an emotional conversation with your partner? You share something deeply personal and get no response. When you ask them what they’re feeling, they say, “I don’t know.”
It can be incredibly frustrating, and can feel like they are deliberately withholding something.
Believe it or not, some people actually don’t know! Around 8 percent of men and 2 percent of women have a condition (or trait—psychologists aren’t sure yet) that makes it very difficult for them to discern their feelings.
In my last post I talked about how emotions originate in our bodies. People with this largely unknown condition feel the physical sensations, but don’t connect them to anything. They have trouble identifying, processing, and expressing emotions. As a result, their emotional experiences are very different from the rest of us. They may be able to tell if they are hungry or tired, but not if they are sad or anxious.
Researchers are just beginning to understand the condition, known as alexithymia. Loosely translated, it means “no words for feelings.” Until fairly recently it has flown under the radar of mental health professionals. The symptoms are typically not severe enough to drive people to seek a diagnosis. Although as you can imagine, if you don’t know what you or others are feeling, it can lead to a great deal of frustration, and also physical and mental health problems.
What’s fascinating is that, “Alexis,” as they are sometimes called in an online chat room that shares information about the trait, can intuit other people’s emotions—just not their own! Which further complicates relationships because they can seem like they are emotionally aware, but are making a conscious choice not to open up to their partners and friends.
Since our brains always try to compensate for our deficits, people with alexithymia often watch how other people respond, and learn to mimic some of the same language. As a result, it can seem like they have typical social interactions much of the time.
As with many other conditions, alexithymia can be mild or pronounced. Some Alexis have what psychologists call low emotional affect (tone). Others laugh and tease and seem to be emoting, but if you pay close attention, you’ll notice that they almost never reveal anything about their own feelings.
That can make it difficult for them to have close relationships since they don’t know how to make themselves vulnerable, which is normally seen as a prerequisite for intimacy.
Others may try to guess what the Alexi is feeling, but the Alexi can’t confirm it because they don’t know themselves. They know they feel something, but can’t identify which emotion it is.
It can be difficult for friends and relatives to distinguish whether their loved one lacks the ability to discern their emotions, struggles to communicate them out of fear of emotional intimacy, or is simply private. They just know they can’t have deep conversations with the person they care about.
Because the trait is not immediately obvious, couples who’ve been together for a long time can still be unaware of it. After many years of trying to get their spouse to open up, and assuming they will when they feel safe enough, their partners realize that it hasn’t happened. That talking seems harder than it should be, and that something is off, but they can’t quite put their finger on it. They always feel like they are kept at arm’s length.
When pressed, the one with alexithymia can become avoidant, because they don’t know how to give their partner what they need emotionally.
Spouses can find themselves lonely, unaware that their partner is actually unable to access their feelings in the typical fashion.
Alexithymia can have a genetic component, or be a learned condition in response to a life experience or trauma. If it is the latter (a defensive response that developed over time), it is treatable.
Anything learned can be unlearned.
That said, “it takes a strong desire and a good deal of courage to overcome the anxiety of risking a repeat of the shame and hurt as one begins to let oneself know what they are feeling and then allow the vulnerability to share oneself with significant others…” says therapist Beverly Amsel, author of the insightful article “Why Hiding Who We Are Hurts Us.”
The good news is that once couples understand the condition, it can be empowering.
They can begin to adjust their behavior and communication patterns, and with some creativity, improve their relationship over time. The solution has to do with changing their expectations, along with their definitions of what love and intimacy mean.
The book The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing by Patti Henry was written for couples who are trying to navigate this journey. Recognizing that more men have the condition than women, the first half speaks to men, and the second half to women, helping each to understand the special challenges of alexithymia for couples.
If you’ve been told you by a romantic partner that you come across as detached, and suspect you have alexithymia, know that life can be different for you and your relationships once you learn to expand and deepen your emotional range. Consider reading about the topic, using some of the tips I provided in my last post to learn more about your emotions, or contacting a therapist who is versed in helping people learn to be more emotionally available.
If you’re in a relationship with someone you think may have the condition, spend some time learning about alexithymia (along with your partner, if possible) and especially about the ways you can thrive in in this unique type of partnership. You may need additional support in order to grow in self-confidence so you don’t continually feel rejected or shut out. Although you may wish for more of an emotional connection, it can help to remember that people show love in different ways. Your partner may well be very caring but show their regard using a love language other than words of affection or admiration.
My mother often said “knowledge is power.” Learning about alexithymia can help you understand yourself or your romantic partner, friends, relatives, or colleagues who seem to avoid deep connections.
In these posts I often stress how much we all have in common, and yet there are ways in which we can be wired very differently. To the extent we learn to appreciate those differences, we will be better able to love and appreciate each other.
Affectionately,
Elaine