How our Stress Language Affects our Relationships

“Our days are happier when we give people a piece of our heart rather than a piece of our minds.”

~ Unknown

It’s getting real, isn’t it?

The longer this global crisis goes on, the harder we will have to work to maintain our moods.

We’re worried, sad, frustrated, insecure. And, most of all, we don’t know how to deal with the lack of control we have in our lives right now.

All of it adds up to greatly increased tension.

Hopefully you’re “using your tools” as they say in the therapy world: the skills you’ve learned over the course of your life to help you manage your emotions. If you’ve run out of ideas, here’s a list of coping skills for managing anxiety during the pandemic.

Making use of strategies that make us feel better, in the present moment and throughout the days and weeks to come, will help us weather this hardship we’re enduring.

Still, despite our best efforts, the strain will get to us at times. When it does, each of reacts differently: some try to pretend everything is fine, some withdraw, some crack jokes to cut the tension, and some grow agitated.

How do you handle yourself in times of elevated stress?

One thing that complicates life when spending a lot of time around the same people is that we all have different “stress languages.”

Widely different styles and mismatched coping techniques can cause tensions to escalate even further if we don’t realize that that’s what’s happening.

Our personality differences have the potential to draw us together or to drive us apart.

We’re often attracted to opposites because we have a hidden desire to be that way more ourselves. In the best of times, those differences compliment each other. The sum is greater than the whole of the parts. But in the worst of times, those very differences can drive us mad.

When we start to bicker, several instincts come into play. We may not want to fight, but feel that we can’t help ourselves as our natural inclinations show themselves during times of stress. And we may have learned to bicker from our family of origin.

Most of us don’t regularly snap at our neighbors, and perhaps not even our coworkers. So if we lash out at the folks at home, it means on some level that we are allowing ourselves to do it. It may not be conscious, but like many bad habits, it can be corrected with effort once we’re aware of it.

In recent posts we’ve been talking about boundaries, and this is an example of where our internal boundaries come into play.

We display more self-control in some situations than in others without actually realizing why.

I’ve learned that one reason is simply familiarity. Typically we trust our partners and family members more than strangers. We know they love us and will probably not leave us even if we behave badly, so we let down our guard, and unload on them because they feel safe.

The immediate relief from stress can be very freeing in the moment. But, over time, the discord that ensues can erode the relationship.

Not only that, hostile language can literally change our brains, and produce stress-inducing chemicals that shut down some of our logic and reasoning functions!

No wonder we all get so irrational in response to hurtful jabs.

There are other, healthier ways to manage our stress that don’t involve taking it out on others, especially those for whom we care the most.

In so many instances where we make a decision that benefits us only in the short term, we have to ask ourselves, is it worth it?

If you and your partner are equal offenders, and both of you tend to take your frustrations out on each other, it is an area ripe for conversation.

(Think back to the beginning of your relationship. I bet you didn’t start out bickering.)

To work on it together, ask yourselves:

Do we have to do this?

Is there another, better way for us to communicate?

How can we help each other remember that we want to make a change?

Steven Covey’s habit # 2 from The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People can help: “Begin with the end in mind.”

Where do we want to be when this crisis is all over? We have the potential to be at each other’s throats, or to be even closer than we were when it started.

We can control our responses, or learn to, but we have to set an intention to do so.

One common theme in many spiritual books is that all tragedies, traumas, and crises present us with an opportunity to learn something.

We can decide to be more conscious about our behavior and our reactions, actively choosing to be loving to each other.

The article I linked to above mentions a second conclusion about how words change our brain: kind words actually promote resiliency. Using them is the best way we can protect each other as we make our way through these challenging weeks.

This is a decision over which we do have control right now.

I think the silver lining from this crisis may be the time that we’re able to invest in our own growth, and the growth of our relationships. Let’s use this sequestration to reevaluate how we relate to others, and make sure it’s in line with our core values.

Affectionately,

Elaine