How to Deal with Frustration

“Maturity is the ability to speak, think, and act your feelings within the bounds of dignity.”
~ Samuel Ullman.

On occasion, one of my readers will ask me to blog about a topic that interests them. Last week a relative asked me to write about something he’s heard me mention before: low frustration tolerance. It’s a term psychologists use to indicate that someone has a low threshold for tolerating things that frustrate them. Lower than most people, that is, since we all fall on a continuum, and it can change depending on our life circumstances.

People with this condition are easily irritated when faced with emotionally stressful situations, even minor ones. Getting stuck in traffic, finding out a store has just closed or a restaurant is out of their favorite dish. In the extreme they can explode in anger when things don’t go as they expect them to.

As all parents know, young children are often easily frustrated when things don’t go their way, and they have regular emotional outbursts. My grandkids are still at the stage where they get frustrated and give up easily when trying to play a game or perform a task. Lacking an ability to calm themselves down when this happens, they typically need their parents to step in and help them regulate their emotions.

As we mature, most of us learn to handle the minor inconveniences in life, in part because we become more socially conscious. We don’t want to have embarrassing outbursts, so we learn to use self-calming techniques, humor, and positive self-talk to get us through. We come to understand that we can’t always have immediate gratification of our needs.

But some adults haven’t sufficiently developed the skills for regulating their emotions. Rather than consciously deciding how they want to respond, they react automatically based on their current state, which is often anger.

Psychologists attribute this condition to factors such as lack of self-control, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, altered brain chemistry, and anxiety or depression. The most typical response is to yell or lash out at others, but people can also walk out of an argument, throw or break things, or even end relationships simply out of anger.

Our personalities play a big role when it comes to how emotionally intense we are. Still, stress, anxiety, and pain can make us all less tolerant.

Think of how amped up you feel the day before a move, a big presentation, or even a trip. Our patience runs thin on high-stress days because hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood our bodies. Our frustration level can be especially high in situations where the outcome is important (for example when our performance affects whether we get a job or a promotion) and in situations where we have little control (for example, when a flight is late which may cause us to miss our next flight).

Certain conditions, such as ADHD, autism, addiction, and even normal aging can lead to low frustration tolerance. People who struggle with these issues may have more work to do to be able to handle the same amount of stress as their peers.

Some people with low tolerance are aware that they’re impatient and can easily identify the things that send them over the top. Others may not be as aware until their friends suggest that their reactions are out of line. Some may excuse themselves by saying, “That’s just how I am,” but low frustration tolerance can have a real impact on relationships. In general, we like people who remain calm in stressful situations, because they make us feel calm. We shy away from those with a quick trigger because they scare us or make us feel uncomfortable.

Our tolerance can vary a lot depending on the type of stressor we encounter—for whatever reason, some of us are very patient with people but not with technology, for example. Highly sensitive people are easily irritated with the information that comes to them through their senses such as sounds, smells, and temperature. I’m sensitive to movement in my visual field, especially when I’m eating, but the incessant microwave beeping (from my forgotten tea) that drives my son crazy doesn’t bother me at all.

It can be helpful to take an inventory of your triggers, and determine what kinds of things irritate you the most, suggests the author of this article on stress management. Then do some reflection. Do you have any idea why, specifically, that situation bothers you? Is there anything in your history that informs your emotional reactions?

No matter your level of tolerance, we can all learn to be better and to do better for ourselves and those around us. It starts with learning to control our thoughts, words, and actions and choosing our responses rather than simply reacting.

“Frustration tolerance can be learned,” says Amy Morin, LCSW, in this verywellmind.com article. “With practice and consistent dedication, you can decrease the intensity of your frustration, and you can learn to express your feelings in socially appropriate ways.”

One suggestion for handling low tolerance is to prepare ourselves for it. Some situations are predictable, and you can head off some of your uncomfortable feelings by reminding yourself ahead of time that you might get disappointed, but you’ll be able to handle it.

In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) groups they have a saying: “Never allow yourself to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired,” all of which can increase your stress level and decrease your tolerance for frustration. They use the acronym HALT help them to remember the advice.

Morin suggests giving yourself a pep talk: “Remind yourself that you can cope with distressing feelings. Whether you take a deep breath and try again, or you count to 10 when you’re feeling upset, experiment with coping skills that will help you deal with frustration in a healthy way.”

We all have times when our frustration tolerance is low and our patience goes out the window. The same tools work whether we need them every day or only occasionally.

Affectionately,

Elaine